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Southern Etiquette :: Is a formal invitation necessary?

by in Expert Advice, Main, Personal, Southern Etiquette on

How about a hairy little etiquette conundrum to start your Monday off right?

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This one comes from reader Whitney in Illinois. She writes:

I am having a destination wedding in Mexico in June of 2011 and we are sending out save the dates in about a week. They simply state the date, where the wedding will be and our wedding website. Deposits for group space will be due around mid-November and final payment is due April 15. My question is about the formal invitations: my fiance is questioning the reason for them. Besides the fact that I really want them, if we are sending out save the dates and guests need to make their decision somewhat soon, do we really need them? Guests will obviously have to book their trip in advance, most likely before they receive their invitation. So what would the point of a formal invitation be? We are also having a reception back home in early September. Is it okay to include the information and response card for that in the same invite even though it will be months ahead of time? There’s not a whole lot out there for destination weddings yet so I appreciate any advice you can give me. Thanks so much, Emily!

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Great question, Whitney! I’ll admit, I had to think a bit before I came up with an answer that I think will convince your fiance. You’re right – in the age of rampant save the dates, guests generally don’t rely on the actual formal invitation to tell them where to go when. This is the case for many weddings now, not just destination events like yours.

So if not for basic information, then what is a formal invitation for? As wedding experts always say, the style of the invitation sets the tone for the event. In your case, the formal invitation will also serve to get your guests really, really excited to attend your wedding. Have you arranged a welcome dessert reception with marachi band for the first night of your wedding weekend? Tell them about it! Is your ceremony going to be on a cliff overlooking the ocean or on the beach with the sound of waves? Tell them about it! Since you only included the bare bones details in your save the date, you have plenty of reason (and room) to expound upon the adventures awaiting your guests in Mexico on the actual invitation. In addition, for a destination wedding, the bride and groom often like to include auxiliary items in the invitation such as a suggested packing list or sightseeing opportunities.

If you need some pretty pictures to get your fiance on board, look to Ceci NY for inspiration — she does beautiful destination invitation suites.

Lastly, even though it’s another mailing to send out, I would suggest sending out your at-home reception information at a later date. As you said, it’s so much later than the destination part of the wedding, and I wouldn’t want the information to get lost in the shuffle – and excitement! – of Mexico.

I hope that answers your questions, Whitney! Readers, weigh in — do you, too, think a formal invitation is necessary in this circumstance, or would you suggest something else? We’re all ears!

Photos in header by Millie Holloman, photos in post by Kate Headley

emily Written with love by Emily
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Southern Etiquette :: Asking via Email

by in Expert Advice, Personal, Southern Etiquette on

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Hi friends!  After our very old-school question of a few weeks ago, I’m back with a very modern one today.  Kristin sent me a one-sentence missive (I appreciate a girl who gets to the point) with a simple question: “Do you think it’s appropriate to ask someone to be your bridesmaid in an email?”

The short answer?  No, I don’t think it’s appropriate.  If you’re asking someone to be your bridesmaid, it should mean she’s a close friend or family member, someone whom you know quite well and really value having in your life.  Asking her to stand beside you on your big day is a way of recognizing that bond, and thanking her for it.  It’s nice to commemorate the occasion with something more than an email.

But what?  If you live nearby, asking her out for a meal – whether dinner, brunch, or cupcakes and coffee – is a lovely gesture.  If she lives halfway across the country, you still have meaningful options.  The simplest would be to pick up the phone and call.  Or, for those of you more technically savvy, it could be fun to arrange a Skype call.  (That way, you can see her happy surprise!  Or, if you’re feeling particularly ambitious, you could Love, Actually style and prepare some cardboard signs to reveal your intentions.  By the way, Best. Movie. Ever?  Yes, I think so.). 

Or perhaps a card is more your style.  You can get very elaborate, with a pictorial representation of your relationship through the years and a novel about how much she means to you, but a store-bought card with a sincere note will stand in nicely, too.  There is certainly no shortage of DIY inspiration or ready-made options:

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Image credits, clockwise: Martha Stewart Weddings, Once Wed, Sweet Bella Cards, Lilly Pink Paperie.

What do y’all think?  Are there any occasions when an email is appropriate?  How did you ask your bridesmaids to stand beside you?

As always, feel free to email me your etiquette conundrums for a future column!  I’m emily at iloveswmag dot com.

All header images c/o Millie Holloman

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emily Written with love by Emily
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  1. avatar LAG reply

    I guess I really did not ask… I mailed each of my girls a box with a satin clothes hanger inside. I attached a little note to each hanger that said "For your bridesmaid dress…" So now we all have pretty dresses with pretty hangers for the big day!

  2. avatar Rachel – theWeddingVine reply

    These cards are so cute, who could say no if they received one?

  3. avatar Janine reply

    I asked each of my bridesmaids by giving them a little box with a cupcake inside and a tag that read, "Will you be my…" See my blog for pictures: http://janineraedesign.com/2010/09/24/wedding-fridays-asking-my-bridesmaids/It was a sweet but simple way to make them feel special. :)

  4. avatar Sarah reply

    I was asked to be a bridesmaid with the "once wed" paper doll style. SO cute!!!! I made homemade folded cards and envelopes to ask my bridesmaids. Each envelope was lined with paper that matched our wedding colors. I also noted in the card that they'd be able to wear shoes of their choosing!

  5. avatar Heather reply

    Hi, Emily! Normally, I would agree with you and say that email is not the most personal medium through which a bride would ask a friend to be her bridesmaid. However, when my fiance' and I became engaged, we were unable to call all of our friends to share our happy news due to the remote location and horrible cell phone reception. One of my dear friends learned of our engagement through a mutual friend, and was upset that she had not been included in our initial round of calls. When the time came to ask my nearest-and-dearest to stand with me on our wedding day, I desperately wanted to avoid any hurt feelings, so sending an email to all bridesmaids simultaneously seemed to be the best choice. Each girl responded positively with enthusiasm and excitement, and I followed up with a phone call to each bridesmaid shortly after the email was sent. I think that each bride should ask her friends in a way that reflects her personality, and also takes into consideration the feelings, schedule, and lifestyle of each of her desired bridesmaids. :)

  6. avatar Jessica reply

    Worse than an e-mail, I used a facebook private message, because I couldn't tell if she used her e-mail any more.I was trying desperately to talk to my best friend, who is currently working in Asia, with a 12 hour -difference in time zones, with no phone, splotchy internet, and on slow computers both sides. None of our attempts to skype chat were working, and I didn't have her address, nor could I take the time to send a card, with no idea how long it would take to get there. I needed to know if she could even make it! But luckily she can, and will, and graciously accepted, despite my admittedly tacky way of asking. She forgives me, so I forgive myself, even if Emily Post never would.

  7. avatar Charity H. reply

    Even with our 'techie' generation email is still informal and professionally it is looked upon as being a remote and distant way of communicating. If you have something important to say it is suggested that you do it personally. Therefore, if sending an email is the way you ask a friend to be your bridesmaid it could come across like you don't value her decision or acceptance very much that you didn't take the time to put a little more effort into asking her.

  8. avatar MMW reply

    Since I was living in Oklahoma and half of my would be bridesmaids lived in Virginia I did use email to ask them. However, my maid of honor and I put together a Power Point slide show of pictures of me in my wedding dress holding signs with the words, “Will you be one of my bridesmaids?” We used lots of different poses and it was a great way for the other girls who weren’t nearby for a lot of the planning to get excited about the wedding!

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Southern Etiquette :: Ceremony Reading?

by in Expert Advice, Personal, Southern Etiquette on

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Welcome back to another installment of Southern Etiquette!  We’re going to do something a little bit different today.  Instead of puzzling over an etiquette conundrum, I have a potential ceremony reading to share with you!  I stumbled upon it over on Weddingbee, and instantly fell in love.  Obviously I’m enamored because it’s an excerpt from Miss Manners by Judith Martin, but I also think, as Miss Knitting pointed out, that it’s a great choice for those couples who might not be “gushingly romantic” or religious.  Here it is:

“While exclusionary interest in one other human being, which is what we call courtship, is all very exciting in the stages of discovery, there is not enough substance in it for a lifetime, no matter how fascinating the people or passionate the romance.  The world, on the other hand, is chock full of interesting and curious things.  The point of the courtship – marriage – is to secure someone with whom you wish to go hand in hand through this source of entertainment, each making discoveries, and then sharing some and merely reporting others.  Anyone who tries to compete with the entire world, demanding to be someone’s sole source of interest and attention, is asking to be classified as a bore. ‘Why don’t you ever want to talk to me?’ will probably never start a satisfactory marital conversation.  ‘Guess what?’ will probably never fail.”

What do you think?  Would you consider an excerpt from an etiquette book for a ceremony reading?  What’s the most unusual reading you’ve heard someone use?

All header images c/o Millie Holloman

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emily Written with love by Emily
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  1. avatar Jessie reply

    Actually, I love that. I think it's appropriate and very much what a marriage today is about. We want to be with people who we can grow and learn and flat have fun with. I'm saving this in my "when I get married" file!

  2. avatar emily hansel reply

    I like that reading – the tone and the message- a lot, but maybe as something the officiant would say as part of their message. Something about the "why don't you ever want to talk to me?" line seems out of place for a reading someone else would get up and say. but as someone who loves etiquette books, i'd absolutely include something from one if we loved it. i mean, we had a tom robbins reading, so i say to each his/her own, as long as it works for everyone involved! (since some churches/officiants have guidelines, i think it is up to more than just the couple.)

  3. avatar Jesse reply

    My favorite non-gushy ceremony reading is the following, from Captain Corelli's Mandolin:Love is a temporary madness,it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.And when it subsides you have to make a decision.You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined togetherthat it is inconceivable that you should ever part.Because this is what love is.Love is not breathlessness,it is not excitement,it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.That is just being "in love" which any fool can do.Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground,and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches,they find that they are one tree and not two.

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