Hey y’all! Last time on Southern Etiquette we tackled the most delicate issue of the ugly bridesmaid dress. Luckily, not too many of you had had a terrible, ugly experience, but those who had offered up some great advice. Check that out here!
Now on to this week’s topic, and let me set the scene. You’re one year out from college and your good friend from senior seminar has asked you to be in her bridal party. You happily accept. She emails the maids with her top dress pick. Good news — it’s gorgeous! Bad news? It’s $400, $450 with alterations, and unfortunately that’s way more than your tiny post-grad budget can handle, especially when tacked onto gifts, travel costs, and other rapidly accumulating ‘maid expenses.
Ouch. What do you do? Do you swallow hard and plunk down the credit card? Do you talk with the other bridesmaids to see what they think? Do you go straight to the source, and let the bride know how you feel?
Emily Post weighs in…
“Because attendants generally pay for their own dresses and accessories, the bride is obliged to carefully consider the cost of their outfits.”
Yep, that’s pretty much all she wrote (at least on this topic). My thoughts? I think that if the chosen dress is truly beyond your budget, you are free to speak to the bride. Let her know that you’d love to be in her bridal party and you love the dress she’s chosen, but that you just won’t be able to handle the cost. If you feel comfortable doing so, an offer to help find a less expensive option might be appreciated. Don’t ask her to pay for your dress, but do let her know that you will have to bow out of bridesmaid duties if this is the dress she ends up choosing.
One caveat: when you accepted the bride’s offer, you knew (I hope) that with the role came a certain expense. If the bride’s asking you to spend $150 on a dress, I don’t think that that is that unreasonable, and that if you balk you’ve unfortunately just wasted the bride’s time by agreeing to a commitment you knew you wouldn’t be able to fulfill.
Would LOVE to hear what y’all think! What’s your personal threshold for a “reasonably” priced bridesmaid dress? $100? $250? $500? What’s the most you’ve ever spent on a bridesmaid dress? Would you ever considering bowing out as an attendant due to escalating costs?
As always, please feel free to email me your etiquette conundrums! Until next time!
UPDATE! Because y’all asked, clockwise from top left the green dress is the “Bacall” from Jenny Yoo 2010, the pink dress is 6311 from Watters & Watters Spring 2010, the blue dress is the “Pom” from Simple Silhouette’s 2010, the taupe/gold dress is the “Riley Long” from Jenny Yoo 2010, the silver dress is 0902 from Monique Lhuillier 2009, and the pink dress is HB6722 from Saja 2010. Happy shopping!
All images in header c/o Millie Holloman
This is great advice. I’d say the same thing to a bridesmaid.The most expensive dress I paid for was $400. Which was super pricey! BUT I was the M.O.H. and I absolutely loved the dress. I made it work, and I’m glad I did because I’ve worn it four times since.
Bellissimo blog!
I think that brides should keep in mind their bridesmaids situations. I think the most I would be willing to spend is $250. Also, I am a bride looking for bridesmaid dresses and I love the dress you posted that is royal blue with the orange shoes! Could you tell me who the designer is?
I think $150 is "reasonable" but not necessary ethical. None of my girls were made of money, and if they were never going to wear the dress again, I didn’t want them forking over an arm and leg….. so they wore dresses from Target.com and they all LOVED them! I liked the way it flattered all their bodies so well, I bought one myself!Pics- http://www.tellingyourstoryphotographers.com/2009/10/wedding-story-jessica-and-jeremy.html
I think the most I would ever pay for a dress would be around $300 — but I wouldn’t be happy about it!Unrelated — I love all the dresses in the pictures of this post! Where are they from?
I’ve been in many weddings as a bridesmaid and the most expensive was close to $200. I’ve also been in weddings where the bride budgeted to buy the dresses herself and then resell them. I loved all of these friends, but I’ve always felt like when my day came I wanted to bless my bridesmaids because of the incredible friends they’ve been, not burden them to be in my wedding. I know weddings can be incredibly expensive, but I just think and hope for myself that the priorities stay on people more than on all the other details-though those all contribute to making it a special day, because that’s what it comes down to. You prioritize in your budget what is most important. I understand that it is kind of a rule of thumb that if you accept being in someone’s wedding you will fork over some money for the dress, the shoes, the gifts, travel, etc… and when you love that person you really don’t mind all that much, but why has that become the norm? I say as the bride you should yes really consider the price, but if you are asking them to pay for it, tell them way in advance so they can budget for it.
I was asked to pay for a two $300 dresses while I was still in college for two different friends weddings and that was a stretch for me. I happily paid the money (while I lived on Raman noodles) but for my own wedding I definitely tried to keep the cost as low as possible for my bridesmaids. I also gave them the ultimate decision about dresses and they ended up choosing one that cost $190 which I thought was reasonable.
Although cheaper is welcomed, I feel $250 (300 with alterations) is a reasonable price to pay for a bridesmaid’s dress. I’m not going to lie that I might rather spend that money on something else, but it’s one of your best friends big days! I have a friend who was in a wedding where the bride wanted custom dresses. They cost $600 but the bride asked the party if they were willing to pay for half. My friend didn’t mind because the dress was a beautiful gown she could possibly wear again. Plus, she got a $600 dress for half the price! The bride was sensitive and asked her bridesmaids first.
I think $150 is the most I would spend (or expect my bridesmaids to spend) on a dress. I recently picked out the dress for my girls and they got lucky – $47.00!! I’m going with a simple, cotton dress from Columbia : http://www.columbia.com/womens-dresses/women-skirtsDresses-dresses,default,sc.html?sz=1&start=3 I had to pick a dress that fit sizes 2 – 24, and something that would allow them to wear a bra (no strapless dresses for these girls – large on top!). This dress ended up being perfect!!
Hi Amber and Suz! I added all the dress sourcing information to the bottom of the post — check it out!Emily @ SW
I think less than $200 is best and would be pissed about anything over $250, but I know others have different thresholds. I don’t ever think brides should assume that the dress is so cute their bridesmaids will wear it again so it’s worth the extra expense. Everyone has different tastes and body types so a dress you think is amazing could look terrible on your friend. Brides should go into it assuming that her friends will never wear it again and choose a price point based on that assumption.
Hmmm for myself I think the threshold would be $400…but I would be slightly annoyed with anything over $300. For my bridesmaids, who are all in different situations, I originally was trying to aim for $175 or lower. We ended up finding one at J Crew that they all say they will wear again for $225. We used a student id and got 15% off. I really think it depends on the dress. If it’s long and formal and screams bridesmaid, the cost should be less than something more wearable.
I don’t think your bridesmaids should have to shell out more than $300 (including dress & shoes), especially considering some of the dresses I’ve seen my friends wear over the years. Not that they’ve been ugly, but they certainly ended up in the back of the closet never to be heard from again. What I don’t understand is that with so many lovely dresses out there in the $100-$200 range (hello, Dessy group!), why do people feel the need to go that high? At the end of the day, it’s just very insensitive to just assume people can drop what in some places is a month’s rent on a dress.
If the bride is able, I think helping the bridesmaids out as much as possible is the best route to go (either by choosing less expensive dresses or helping to cover costs).I chose different styles of short, black dresses for my bridesmaids (I actually gave each of them a choice of 2 dresses I thought they would like). Because the prices ranged anywhere from $175-300, we asked each girl to contribute $150, and my mom and I covered the rest. We also purchased the bridesmaids’ shoes and jewelry, so they don’t have to worry about those costs. Luckily in my case, the girls love their dresses and say they can’t wait to wear them again after the wedding.
In the situation described above and my situation (very recent, as-yet-unemployed college grad), I think $100 would be TOPS for a dress – and probably around $50 would be more reasonable. (The last wedding I was in the dress was about $50, gorgeous, and wearable). And any additional expenses (parties etc.) should also top out below $100. Yeah, it’s the bride’s "big day," and I love her, but I also have a very limited budget and no amount of love can change that. The expectation that "if you are my bridesmaid you will pay for these things" is ABSURD, especially when, as a recent college grad, many of my friends are getting married. It adds up! For my wedding, there’s only one woman standing up and I told her she could wear something out of her closet or choose a new dress, whatever she liked. The men are wearing whatever suit they already have in their closets. Weddings are about love and hospitality, not matching tuxes.
Great advice and beautiful dresses! Being involved in your girlfriends wedding can definitely be expensive, especially if you have to travel. I usually suggest that the bride cover at least a portion of her bridal party’s attire. Considering the other costs she has, I think this is one a minor cost with the biggest bang. Possibly saving friendships, uncomfortable situations and allows your bridesmaids to be more involved in your planning process.
This was such an interesting read! Here in the UK, it is customary for the couple to pay for their attendants’ outfits. In some cases, that can send the budget through the roof – for example I was one of four bridesmaids at my friend’s wedding last month, and she chose dresses for us to wear at £160 a pop! It then becomes down to the bride how she plays things – she can either choose colours and styles to flatter each/all of the girls, and consider it part of their thank you gift if it’s something they may wear again. Alternatively, she can pick colours and styles that flatter her complexion and complement her dress in their style – making the maids a kind of frame for her.My maids’ dresses were such a fortunate discovery – my favourite shop, Monsoon, specialises in semi-formalwear and yummy-mummy type clothes. I’m not a mummy yet, let alone a yummy one, but I’ve always said that I want a life that requires a complete Monsoon wardrobe! Anyway, their styles are timeless, and their sales legendary. I managed to pick up dresses that not only were reduced from £80 to £25.50, but by some miracle were in the right colour, flatter everyone from my 5’11" super-slender cousin with her creamy, Irish colouring, to my 5’2" super-curvy matron of honour who is native Malay and spends half the year in sunny Spain. Just extremely lucky, I guess!Back to the original subject – I feel that I would just make it work, however I could. We’re faced with an incredibly expensive wedding a few weeks after ours – flying to a small city in Romania, where it is customary for the guests to give cash gifts of sufficient value to effectively pay for their share of the ceremony. Yowsa! It’s going to hurt, but I missed the Malaysian leg of the aforementioned matron of honour’s wedding due to the cost, and I vowed that I would never let money get in the way of that again!
This is a really interesting discussion- and I love reading everyone’s opinion on the topic. My BM dresses were between $120-160, as I let them choose a style they liked (same color/material/designer). All the girls chose different dresses and are very happy. I also let them choose their own gold shoes (the dresses are blue), so they’d be comfortable and wear something in their price range. I’ve had to dye shoes before, and the ceremony was literally 10 minutes- then she said we could change for the reception. That was frustrating.I’ve also seen a couple people say "if you’re close with the bride", in terms of telling her when a dress is too expensive/or not particularly flattering. Shouldn’t you not be a bridesmaid unless you’re close? This concept eludes me.
Uh oh, now I’m worried. I was thinking the $200-$250 range would be okay…I wish I could find something more reasonable, but I haven’t found anything I like for my girls. They seem okay with what I’ve proposed so far, but maybe they are just being polite.
I am a MOH and the price tag for my dress is $500 before alterations. Thank goodness there is a payment plan and I have several months. I would not do this for any other person but she is best friend and we’ve been bffs since we were like 10. The bridesmaid dresses are $150 to $200. I am also a soon to be bride and I am looking for dresses b/t $100 to $200 and that includes the price of the MOH. I am opting to go with dresses from the Gilt.com but how to purchase several different sizes before they are sold is becoming a chore. :(
I have a double dilemma: not only is the bridesmaid dress hideous, it’s also out of my budget (plus, I have to travel from Atlanta to Chicago). I’m obviously doing the bride’s makeup for free, as she’s been a close friend since college; we met 10 years ago. We haven’t talked as much since I moved south, but we’re still close. She’s not able to help with dress, trip, or hotel costs, but she is asking the other 5 bridesmaids to pay me for makeup services, at a cut rate ($50 instead of my usual $65 BM rate).
Quite honestly, I’m intrigued at being posted in blogs for Worst Bridesmaid Dresses Ever (thisREALLY is that bad), but I’m also really.concerned about affording a week off work, and wedding costs.
What should I do?
Also: apparently both the bride and her sister really like the $200 abomination of the dress. I ain’t think I can tell her how terrible the rest of us think it is.