Hello, hello! In our last meeting, we tackled differing expectations from the bride’s and groom’s families about alcohol at the wedding reception. The consensus seemed to be that the bride and groom should feel free to serve alcohol, but for those of you who missed it, you can check out the lively conversation right here.
As I was titling the last post “Alcohol at the Reception,” I realized there are wayyyy more issues concerning alcohol and weddings than just differing familial expectations. Another one that jumped immediately to mind (and it’s a common one that I know a lot of y’all are struggling with) is whether to offer a cash bar at the reception. So many of us are looking for an area to save a few these days, and with how quickly the cost of an open bar adds up, I can see why someone might gravitate to the cash bar.
So what does Ms. Post say?
“Just imagine being invited to a dinner party at which the host or hostess handed guests a bill. You’d be shocked. A wedding is no different; the couple and their families are hosts, not restaurateurs. You might cut costs by serving simple hors d’oeuvres, wedding cake, and nonalcoholic punch at an afternoon reception; planning a home reception to eliminate the expense of a rented hall or hotel; or limiting the number of guests you invite. You don’t have to have a bar; if you want champagne, you could limit it to one or two glasses per guest for toasting. There are many ways to stage a beautiful wedding on a tight budget, but charging guests isn’t one of them.”
That’s not too surprising to me, I have to say. When it comes down to it, weddings are about being hospitable and gracious, especially in the South, and asking someone to pay for their drink at a party you’re hosting just seems wrong to me.
But what do y’all think? Would you ever consider having a cash bar at your wedding? Would you go so far as to say it’s rude, or is it just something you wouldn’t choose for yourself? Any tips for those unwilling to offer a cash bar but who can’t stomach the cost of a full, open one either? Sound off below!
And, as always, my inbox awaits your queries. Send them to emily at iloveswmag dot com and we’ll tackle them in a future installment!
All images in header c/o Millie Holloman
I just had this conversation with someone. NO NO NO cash bar. TACKY. RUDE! You are definitely a host and no good host would charge a guest for anything!! It just simply isn’t done. Another option is the one to glasses of champagne, or just an open bar for beer and wine, instead of beer wine and liquor. Now I personally would never ever have a margarita machine at my wedding, but that is a very cost effective route also.
Having attended quite a few weddings in New England, I have found that many couples decide to do an open bar during receiving and cocktail hour with the champagne toast later in the meal. They then switch to cash bar half way through the reception. I found this appealing because it prevents people from being over lush (keeping those that don’t necessarily feel comfortable with alcohol, more comfortable)- but allows the couple to be hospitable. Also something I have seen rather frequently is doing an open bar- but limiting the selection (Wine, beer & some harder libations options), more cost affective and still quite hospitable.
We wanted to provide our guests with a bar with a monetary limit (say like $2000) but that didn’t work out for two reasons. 1) Our venue doesn’t have a way to keep up with how much is spent and 2) MANY places will cheat when you take this route and serve less alcohol than you’re actually paying for. So it was either have a cash bar or no bar for us, and while neither my fiance nor I drink and could care less about having alcohol at our afternoon reception, my mom was insistent on at least having alcohol as an option, so we’re having a cash bar. All non-alcoholic beverages will be served free, as will the champagne at toasting time. But anything more than that is up to the guests.
My fiance and I are thinking about doing one or two drink tickets attached to the program for our guests. We don’t have enough money in the budget to satisfy HIS friends desire to drink in excess. We don’t feel as though it is rude to do a cash bar, but we do want our guest to know that we are thinking about them and we want them to have a good time. :)
Mmm… I’d say cash bar is a no-no. If your budget can’t support an open bar, try choosing (for instance) your favorite two beers and your favorite two wines. That will cut down on the high cost of liquor, etc.
I think is a fabulous post that many brides need to hear. I always have offered the same response when clients ask whether a cash bar is acceptable at their wedding. It’s uncomfortable to charge guests, and there is no way to tell them on a wedding invitation that they’ll need to bring cash to be able to have a drink. Stick to a simple menu or drink list if necessary, but please no cash bar!
Personally, I would consider it rude to have a cash bar at a wedding. Primarily because (for me) it goes against the notion of hospitality to, as host/hostess, invite a guest to your party and then charge them for things. Even without a cash bar, attending a wedding can be expensive for guests (take my college roommate who was married in her hometown…in Alaska). You want these people to share in the celebration of your marriage, and that this should be done with as little financial burden to them as possible…they’re your GUESTS. That being said, if you opt not to have any alcohol, it could end up being the elephant in the reception hall. Unless you have religious reservations, I think the host/hostess should make the effort to include some form of alcohol at the reception. However, the more weddings I go to, the more I believe that a full bar is not really necessary–most have been just beer and wine, which you could even provide yourself depending on the size of your party and just pay the caterer an uncorking fee. This is what a friend of mine is doing (it also doesn’t hurt that her future father-in-law is a beer distributor). Maybe just limit the alcohol to the cocktail hour, and then have a champagne toast later in the evening, or forget the champagne toast altogether. Some people don’t drink champagne, and it’s just a waste of money to have full glasses sitting there at the end of the night, why not just have them toast with whatever they’re drinking? Another option is to do one or two personalized cocktails. There was a great picture in the blogosphere a few months back where the bride and groom had each selected a drink that coordinated with their theme, and had them served in beautiful glass beverage dispensers. Ultimately, there’s lots of ways to go about alcohol without removing it from your reception.
Great post, Emily. I fully agree with Ms. Post. Weddings are about hosting your guests and showing them a good time. There are plenty of other ways to cut down on costs than to cut the bar. We are having a full bar, as it is included in our package. Even if it were not included in our package, we would still offer full bar.Other great options are do offer beer and wine complimentary to guests, but charge for any hard alcohol. Or do beer and wine, with a signature cocktail.I fully agree this seems to be a bigger issue with couples and families trying to cut back, but I say find other ways to spare expenses – you’d be surprised what you can cut back on!
Oh my gosh… drink tickets?? This is going too far people!! I would much rather attend a wedding where they served nothing but water before offering drink tickets or a cash bar. Honestly, I’m not really judgmental but I’d have to think twice about the hosts of this party. Perhaps they just got really bad advice, but either way that is very poor form! It always kills me that some people will follow etiquette advice down to the letter and then blow off something that is as big as this.When it comes down to it: the drink selection is up to the host (just as if this was a dinner party at your home). A host is not obligated to serve 5 different types of liquor or anything. If you are concerned about cost, ask the venue what the corkage fee is and buy magnums of wine and champagne (equivalent to 2 bottles) to serve. Even if it is half way through the party, it is not okay to go to a cash bar.
This is always such a sensitive subject! I wouldn’t go so far as to say that cash bars are rude because I don’t think the intent behind having one is ever mean spirited. But that being said, we had an open bar at our wedding. Like most things I think there is a happy medium – if your budget doesn’t allow for a big bar expense, maybe just serve beer and wine. Or maybe it makes more sense for you to cut back on huge centerpieces in lieu of letting everyone drink up. I think it all boils down to the couple!
We had a tight budget, and knew we needed to find a venue to bring in our own alcohol. We only had beer and wine, and a special round of Patron shots (our fave) after dancing with us for the also ever so controversial money dance…If a couple can’t bring in their own alcohol and need to cut back, I think a great option is to pay the tab up to $xxx and after that have it switch. I’ve been to a few wedding like this, and by time it switches over, I’m already done for the night. But 100% cash bar – no thank you.
Laaawwwd! I would rather die than have a cash bar at my wedding!
I was very surprised at the idea of having a cash bar and had it first suggested to me by a very unlikely person- the event coordinator at a very high-end golf course which does events in its clubhouse. She seemed to have just assumed that we would have a cash bar, without even asking if we wanted to have alcohol! Since a lot of our friends and family have religious reason not to indulge, we had decided to not serve any at all beforehand, so that cut that worry short for us, but I know that if we did decide to have alcohol, it would definitely be just enough to toast with champagne, and maybe have beer/wine. As soon as I understood what she was talking about, I was totally shocked. For such a classy place to treat the cash bar as a norm seem completely odd, because even with my spendthrift habits I wouldn’t even consider it.
So do y’all think it is tacky to have a cocktail hour only? We are thnking of doing full open cocktail hour with some great hors d’oevres, then we will have a wine pour at dinner, then it will likely switch over to cash bar. We just can’t justify the estimated $8K that the full open bar would be or even the $6K for beer and wine only. Even if we cut hors d’oevres and downsized centerpieces, it wouldn’t cover the extra. Plus, I feel like it is just a gracious to serve guests delicious food (I always wait around hungry at cocktail hour). I’m just not sure if this is tacky? I would never charge guests at a dinner party, but I also don’t provide unlimited booze for them either.
I see lots of modest events where there have been some extreme cuts made to keep within budget. The most important thing to remember is that the people who care about you understand that you may need to save some money. That said, you express how important they are to you by being hospitable. I attended a back yard wedding that is one of my all time favorites because there was good food, good drink, and good entertainment. My philosophy is to make sure everybody has all the comforts of home before I start spending money on status symbols and glitz.
100% in agreement with Ms. Post… never ask a guest to pay for cocktails…there are too many creative ways to keep the budget down on the bar bill…signature drink, wine/beer only… just keep an eye on Uncle Henry…I think he has a flask hidden away in his jacket pocket!
I think a cash bar is tacky there are no ifs and or buts about it. I agree with some of the post above, serve whatever you want, just wine/beer, etc but charging is puts you on the worst wedding of the year list.
I don’t know that a cash bar is rude, but I would definitely say it’s tacky. You don’t expect your guests to pay for their meal, why would you expect them to pay for alcohol? Many guests have likely had to drive long distances or fly to get to the wedding, paid for a gift, and a hotel room. Asking them to pay for their drinks as well is just too much. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to only serve wine and beer or just do a cocktail hour, then wine pour with dinner, and maybe a champagne toast later. Also many places will do a consumption bar so you’re only charged for what your guests actually drink.
No, no, no! If you really want to put this in persepctive, it might interest you to know that it was reported that Michaela and Tareq Salahi actually CHARGED guests to attend their lavish nuptials. Does anyone want to put themselves in the same company as the infamous White House "party crashers?"There are so many ways to cut down on the alchol costs if its not important to you or you cant afford a full bar, and they’ve all been mentioned above. Your wedding is NOT a night out at the bar, and I think that if you can’t afford to provide an open bar (be it beer, wine, whatever you can afford) for the entire night, you should just scrap it or do just a champagne toast instead. I would be much more offended at having to pay for drinks at a wedding than I would if no alcohol were present, and I would be much more "comfortable" at a wedding sans alcohol than one in which I was expected to pay for drinks. To me, asking guests to pay for their own drinks says "the comfort of my guests is secondary to other elements of my wedding that I am willing to spend on." I honestly couldn’t believe this ettiquette was even in question, but I guess there are others out there with a different perspective! Thank God for Emily Post!
I have always been shocked that people are so hostile towards cash bars. It’s amazing to me that the concept of a person paying for an expensive drink when other free drinks are provided is considered "tacky" or "rude." Why should the bride and groom be expected to foot a several thousand dollar bill so that guests can get drunk? I personally believe that the bride and groom should provide beverages, but alcoholic beverages should be paid for by the person who consumes them, not by the bride and groom.In my opinion it’s far more "rude" or "tacky" for the guests to come to the wedding with a sense of entitlement in regards to alcohol being provided, and to insult the bride and groom for "daring" to not enable drunkenness. If drinking is that important to you, you have some serious issues!
I agree with you Lizz…although no one else seems to! Where I am from, it is really uncommon to have an open bar. I don’t think you need to pay for the guests to get trashed at your wedding reception and dance. I think it’s a good idea to have an open bar during the meal and then during the dance, have a cash bar. I was also at a wedding where the couple had a signature drink on the house, but anything else the guests had to pay for. I think the decision is up to the couple (and whoever is helping pay for the wedding) and what they feel comfortable with.
Seems to me y’all are missing the point… it should be what your guests would most appreciate. Now, if they are so judgemental as to think your friendship has no worth when you ask them to pay for any "extras" at the wedding (esp if hosting a cocktail hour or only beer/wine) that I argue that they maybe didn’t deserve that initial invite to attend. That is really the only option on maximum cost savings. Flowers, decorations… cutting these things will never amount to the total dollar amount required to float a hosted bar for the entire night.How many of you have asked your bridesmaids to pay for their dresses, makeup, hair or shoes?? This too is etiquette taboo, but has become a standard practice… even in the South (as I write from liberal California).If YOU can’t handle the bar, that is one thing. How about this: I had a friend decide to follow etiquette and go dry… the poor martyr was criticized for not providing her guests the option. Is that looking out for the guests? All this to say, I really wouldn’t do a cash bar if I didn’t have to…. but listen to the desires of your guests and your pocketbook before Ms. Post.
Maybe it’s a North/South thing? My Dad is from the North, but I was raised in SC. He has no problem with a cash bar. I think it’s horribly tacky. I agree with the above posters that you’re hosting the event and you wouldn’t charge people to come to a party. Our solution was that my fiance and I are paying for the bar, while my Dad is (thankfully) taking care of the rest of the catering. I don’t understand why a bar would cost $6000-$8000 unless you’re inviting a ton of people. We have 88 invited at $8.50 per person for a beer and wine bar.
It doesn’t matter what a couple has to do to keep costs low, you should not charge for drinks at your wedding. Other ways to save include:Cut down the guest lists, only have a cocktail hour or h’or d’oeuvres, save on your dress (www.preownedweddingdress.com), don’t have flowers for the bridesmaids (mine are carrying objects), don’t have boutonnières or corsages (again, skipping that), have only one meat option and one vegetarian option, have simple center pieces, find a venue that is already decorated, etc. But when you ask people to pay for drinks, it’s tacky. I went to a wedding that had a cash bar and everyone was shocked! We had no idea until we got there and no one had cash for tips, etc. Money is the last thing people should be thinking about on your wedding day. These people are your guests; this isn’t just another party or a bar for goodness sakes, this is a WEDDING.
We considered it, but in the end agreed that it would be rude. Its just not nice to invite guests and expect them to pay for something. If you cant afford it, then dont offer it. You could have a lovely Sunday morning brunch reception instead of a Friday night party. There are so many other options.
My mother is extremely worried about people getting too drunk at our wedding, and suggested drink tickets or a cash bar. I quickly said NO WAY to that. I don’t think any of our guests would get super offended by it or think it was tacky, but I want to HOST them.One of the other comments asked about the tackiness of alcohol during cocktail hour + wine during dinner only. I like this idea for limiting the alcohol consumption and the budget! But DON’T switch to a cash bar; just close the bar and have soda/water/coffee for the rest of the night. You’ve given your guests plenty of opportunity to have a drink; you’re not under an obligation to have a bar open all night and allow them to get drunk. If the younger guests want to have more drinks, they can start their own after-party at the hotel lobby bar.
Tacky and inhospitable and your Mama would never live it DOWN!!Anywhere you host an event—a club, a hall, a beach under the open sky—you are under your "hospitality roof" and it is just NOT DONE to charge a guest for refreshments. A guest should be able to enter your home or extended home with empty pockets—no keys, for your door is open. No Identification, for the invitation grants them entry, and no cash, for they are guests, their welfare for the duration the responsibility of the hosts. We’ve been to several events in a certain club in which the management will not close the bar during any event, and so guests may wander away from a perfectly charming, lavishly hospitable event and come back with a drink in hand, spurring others to ask, "Where did you GET that?" They they, in turn, go off and spend their money as well, to the embarrassment and chagrin of their hosts. But it is not the hosts’ choice, and they may be forgiven choosing the venue; perhaps it’s the only one of size or location to fit, and that one drawback may be shuffled tactfully aside.But setting out to "entertain" guests by billing them for their refreshments? TACKY ad infinitum. Go smaller, go lesser, but do not hand out invoices. We can’t all be Emily or Amy or Miss M, but we can have the grace not to bill our guests for our "hospitality." Cash bars of any duration remove the title of "host" and reduce the party-givers mere co-ordinators of a pitch-in.
One of the only things that my fiance and I agreed on in the early planning stages of our wedding was that given our guest list, we would NEVER consider having an open bar. We have many family members and friends who will over-imbibe (as has been proven at other weddings with open bars), and we feel extremely uncomfortable having our wedding reception turn into a college party.That being said, it’s customary in South Dakota to have a cash bar and/or to set aside drink tickets for each guest, so at this point, we plan to go that route.
If there is ever a cash bar at a wedding, here is what the guests are saying on the way home, "THAT GIRL JUST WASN’T RAISED RIGHT!!!!" And since when in the name of General Lee did it become a requirement to provide alcohol? What’s wrong with PUNCH made to match the BRIDESMAID’S DRESSES???? This is a ceremony of matrimony – not a Delta Tau Delta social.
I am now preparing for my wedding and trying to get an idea about how to serve alcohol. His and my parents are very traditional southern they prefer to not serve alcohol at all. I believe that this is going to be what we will be doing and I would love some input. The reception will start at six thirty with plenty of heavy appetizers (it is a golf course but being renovated and the kitchen is closed down, there will be A LOT of food just not sit down meal style) After the toast and cutting of cake we will start serving beer, wine, and signature cocktail. The band will start playing soon after. The venue does have a stocked bar there already. I wish to just serve what I have planned and not even have a cash bar at all. Whiskey is my problem I really don’t want it served. My fiancée wishes his friends to have the option to use the cash bar. I don’t really think I can stop the venue from serving guest if they offer to pay cash? Even though I would not like Whiskey to be served should I just purchase a handle and leave it behind the bar. Let the few guest that will be difficult about having what they want to drink have that?? I don’t want them to have to pay, but I know that they will if I don’t provide it.
At my wedding we will be serving beer and wine and maybe a signature cocktail. I am going to make sure that my friends and my fiance’s friends know that if they want hard liquor they should just bring a flask of something. (Which most of them will do whether I tell them to or not…haha) My only problem with having a cash bar is that it needs to be communicated (somehow) to guests that there will be no open bar and that guests should make sure to have cash on them if they want to drink. I have been to a few weddings where I was not aware there was going to be a cash bar and of course I had no cash on me.