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We had a hard time coming up with an appropriate title for today’s etiquette dilemma — since it’s really a series of overlapping issues, we had a hard time finding something that encapsulated them all! Read on, because we’d LOVE your thoughts on this one. I don’t think there’s just one right answer!

From Brittney:

I’m still early in the wedding planning process, but my list of must-haves is pretty much set for the big day and while I was discussing the ceremony/reception with my mom, an interesting point came up. My mom wants me to have a church ceremony, which is fine, but I want the reception to be a barn raisin’ good time! And while most people invited to the ceremony wouldn’t be offended by attending a reception where a few cold ones are being passed around, there are some people (family friends, older family members, etc.) who would be offended. The last thing I want to do is disappoint my sweet granddaddy, but I’m not willing to budge on this reception. Our solution: a ceremony and small reception at the church with an invite-only barn party on the hush hush. So, here’s where I’m stumped: is this allowed? And if so, how do you pull this off?! I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I am pretty set on my big barn party! I can’t be the only Southern girl who has tried to balance honoring her family, not causing anyone to stumble, but having a certain vision for her wedding, right?! Any help you could give would be fantastic. Thank ya kindly!

My first instinct is that having a secret anything related to a wedding is just asking for hurt feelings when the secret inevitably gets out. Perhaps you go ahead with your tentative plan – church ceremony, small church reception, barn party – but put everything out in the open? Give guests a chance to check off which events they’ll attend on the RSVP card (and make it clear on the invitation that the barn party will be the most raucous of the three). That way, guests can pick and choose what they’re most comfortable with, and you can feel good knowing you’ve been above-board.

Friends, I (and I’m sure Brittney!) would love to hear from you on this one: have you run into this situation in your own wedding planning? Have you ever been to a two-part reception? Please weigh in in the comments!

emily Written with love by Emily
8 Comments
  1. avatar Mandy reply

    Brittney, I have experienced an almost identical situation. My grandparents are very against any alcohol. Although my fiancé and I are not big drinkers we do want to offer some fun drinks for our guests. I have a great relationship with my grandparents and I am very open with them. They know my heart and my relationship with my fiancé. However, my mom is going to take on this task. She is going to give them a heads up prior to the reception and explain our heart in the matter; to make sure we aren’t trying to go behind their backs but also aren’t desiring to offend them. My advice is to be yourself and be honest. Family is always family and although there are differing opinions honesty will always be respected more! Good luck!

  2. avatar Lillian Johnson reply

    This is an issue often at my facility. I make a few suggestions.
    ~If it’s grandparents who aren’t comfortable with the alcohol, you can always just wait to “open the bar” until after the cake is cut and the real party starts. Almost always, after dinner and after cake they head home.
    ~Another option I have offered is having the bar in an area off to the side where it’s not so in the face of those who don’t partake and serve everything in a glass/cup, no beer cans or bottles.

  3. avatar Marie reply

    I had a similar situation, 1/4 of my family is very conservative and does not drink. My fiance and I both want a lively celebration with all of our favorite people. We are simply having a traditional reception with a cocktail hour and a plated dinner. Those who do not drink will not stay late anyways, and can enjoy hors deourves and dinner with us. – then the party can get started! I can’t imagine having two seperate receptions. Time is so precious and goes by so fast.

  4. avatar Karen reply

    If I were a guest at your wedding, what would offend me and possibly hurt my feelings is being excluded from any of the festivities. For this reason… I would not keep anything a secret. Your guests are presumably adults who can decide for themselves what will or will not offend them. Give them the option of going to all three events. Just be sure they know that the barn party will be a throw down with music and alcohol.

    Having an after party following the reception seems to be a more and more common occurrence these days… especially with out of town guests that you don’t want to feel abandoned.

    I say go for it and have a great time! Your family and friends will just be happy to celebrate in whatever fashion they choose.

  5. avatar Ann reply

    I am doing the exact same plan as you. The way I divided it was to invite my immediate family, bridal party, and the bride and groom’s close friends. We will go from 300 down to 100.
    At the church reception, I will have my wedding cake and punch and cheese straws, and nuts.
    Hope this helps

  6. avatar Lisa Hays reply

    It’s your wedding. As long as there is a choice of “unleaded” beverages, I think you can serve “leaded” and let the chips fall where they may. The offended guests can leave early and if they are so brazen as to say something about your choices being the reason for their departure, smile sweetly, thank them for coming to the ceremony, state you will miss them, and go have a good time. My late F-I-L always said that the people who were meant to be there, will be there – and those who choose not to attend, weren’t meant to be there anyway.

  7. avatar Brittney reply

    Y’all are seriously awesome! Thank you, thank you, thank you Emily for sharing this and for al of your sweet suggestions and pieces of advice!

  8. avatar Denise reply

    The interesting irony to this situation is this is actually the first glimpse of your married life and essentially the first event your are “hosting” as a married couple! It is your party and the first of many parties you will have! I’m sure you want ALL guests to feel welcome. So unless the non-drinkers are actually paying for the wedding, I would have the alcohol bar on one side of the venue and the non-alcoholic bar on the other side of the venue. Children and non-drinkers won’t have to be anywhere near where the alcohol is served and those choosing to partake can do so. Enjoy your day!

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Jill and Donald have one of the most darling meet-cutes I’ve ever heard. Their love story started in middle school when Donald boldly dared Jill to kiss him–and she did! Many years later, these junior high sweethearts said “I do” in a pretty white chapel, and then celebrated in a reception that was chock-full of Southern traditions, from a second line to a cake pull to a bleedin’ armadillo groom’s cake. We’re smitten with every detail that our Blue Ribbon Vendor, Sapphire Events, pulled together!

Thank you so much to 509 Photo for sharing this lovely wedding with us!

We met at the end of summer at a school event when Donald was going into 7th grade and I was going into 8th. Everyone called him Scooter, so I had recalled hearing about him in conversations. We crossed paths on the stairwell, surrounded by friends, when he stopped and said, “Hey, I’m Scooter.” I remember confidently stating, “I know who you are,” even though I didn’t really. He talked to me and the rest of the 8th grade cheerleaders for awhile, and when I started to walk away, he yelled, “I dare you to kiss me!” I whipped back around and sassily said, “You dared the wrong girl!” I leaned in, thinking he would be so shocked or scared or embarrassed, he would run off, but he didn’t! Our lips locked, and it began a long-standing crush, many years of dating, three dogs, a house, and a move to NYC. We were married in front of some of the same friends that saw our very first kiss!

Tell us about finding your wedding dress. I knew I wanted to capture both the sweet and sassy sides of me, and no one dress was going to do that! I tried on fitted dresses, ball gowns, and A-lines, and loved them all. After talking to my dear friend, Katerina, she said she would make me something! She sent me a sketch of the most beautiful drawing, and I immediately fell in love with the illustration, the concept, and the entire look. She made me a removable overlay of lace appliqués, so I still got my sassy mermaid look for post-ceremony!

What readings, if any, did you have at your ceremony? 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and “Union” by Robert Fulghulm
Tell us about some of the songs you used throughout your wedding and why you chose them. “Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring” by Bach (processional), “Canon in D” by Pachelbel (bridal processional), and “Hornpipe” from Water Music by Handel (recessional).

What was your most memorable moment about your wedding day? The second line!! We laughed and danced and kissed and really took in the moment. Best 0.6 miles I’ve ever walked.

Louisiana has a special place in my heart. I lived there as a baby, it’s where my mother was raised, and my grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins all live there. My great-grandmother lived in Metarie and I spent lots of time with her and family there on holidays and during summers growing up. When Donald and I were deciding where we wanted to get married, we both agreed that New Orleans was perfect, since we wanted our wedding to be the best celebration ever. The church was simply beautiful and rich in history, and was not too far from where we wanted to have the reception. The reception venue was magical, and it overlooked two very special features: the Jax Brewery sign, which is our lab’s name, and the Mississippi River. Scooter’s daddy passed away when Scooter was 12, and he was from Mississippi. When we first visited the venue and saw the view of the river, I got chills thinking about how perfect of a tribute it was to a special person who is no longer with us.

We loved our wedding cake! It had a black and white fondant design, topped with sugar magnolias. The cake had alternating tiers of chocolate and White Russian cake with delicious buttercream filling. The groom’s cake was red velvet with gray icing in the shape of an armadillo. It was even delicious the next morning when we hacked into it for one last bite!

What Southern details or traditions did you include in your celebration? What was Southern about your wedding? We had magnolias on the pews down the aisle and on the wedding cake. When I had asked Donald if he wanted a groom’s cake, he said no at first, but then quickly changed his mind, adding, “Get me a bleeding armadillo groom’s cake…for shock and awe!” So I did! Some of our New York guests unfamiliar with Steel Magnolias actually thought it was a New York City rat!! My four sweet flower girls carried arrangements filled with cotton, a nod to my grandmother, whose daddy owned and operated a cotton farm that is still in our family. We wanted the reception to feel like Mardi Gras! There were boas, beads, and booze flowing throughout the night. We even had a caricature artist to add a Jackson Square art feel.

Tell us all about the proposal! For weeks, I had been tanning, primping, and getting “pageant-ready” for this proposal. I knew it was coming, and the anticipation was killing me!! I even slept in makeup on occasion and NEVER went out without a full head of Big Texas hair. After several dinners out, weekly tans, and precise attention to grooming details, in true Scooter form, he asked me at our apartment, during our favorite time of day (morning coffee time), when I had no makeup on AND wet hair! Unknowingly, he was recording as I danced around and squealed…not at all how I imagined my reaction to the proposal. The video footage is remarkable, hilarious, sweet, and so me!
When did y’all get married? June 1, 2013
How many friends, family members, and loved ones attended your wedding? 150
Our favorite detail of the wedding was: The wedding favors. We stuffed clear bags with Spanish moss, mini Tabascos, chocolate alligators made my by wonderful mother, and a recipe of my grandaddy’s mini pralines; it was personal touches of New Orleans charm and love from my Louisiana family that made the favors so special to me.
Did you have something borrowed, blue, old, and new? If so, do tell! Yes, I was covered in sentimentality! My mother let me wear her sapphire and diamond ring on my right hand for the night. My paternal grandmother sent a blue brooch that I pinned on the inside of my wedding skirt, which was an extra special gift since the trip was too far for her to take. My dear friend Katerina let me borrow diamond drop earrings. My maternal grandmother loaned me a lace handkerchief that was my great-great-grandmother’s.
What was the biggest challenge you had to overcome while planning your wedding? Long-distance planning. We flew to New Orleans for a weekend and chose our wedding cake, food for the reception, band, wedding planner, and florist within 48 hours. We just had to trust it would all turn out like we imagined, and it was perfect!
If you are comfortable responding, what range did your wedding budget fall into? $25,000-$50,000
What is the one detail or vendor that you were so happy to have as a part of your wedding? Our 509 photo team was incredible. They captured the images of me and my husband and our friends and family perfectly. Every time I go back to the pictures or our wedding album, I feel as if I am reliving the day!
What advice do you have for folks currently planning a wedding? Research! I spent many hours watching wedding video clips for ideas, and I was big into reading blogs and reviews.
What’s next for you as a couple? What are you most looking forward to about married life? Continuing on with our adventure, traveling, and at some point, having some babies.

Photographer: Caleb Chancey of 509 Photo / Videographer: 509 Photo / Planner: Valerie Gernhauser of Sapphire Events / Ceremony Venue: St. Marks United Methodist Church /Reception Venue: Galvez Restaurant / Florist: Eric Fredricks of Bee’s Wedding and Event Designs / Cake Baker: Flour Power / Rentals: Perrier Party Rentals / Band: Chicken on the Bone Band / Bride’s Gown: Romona Keveza with custom overlay by Katerina Kaplanis at Pronovias / Paper Products: Wedding Paper Divas / Bride’s Shoes and Veil: Pronovias NYC / Hair Stylist and Makeup Artist: Kiss and Make Up / Maid of Honor Dress: Monique Lhuillier / Bridesmaids’ Dresses: Jim Hjelm / Groom’s Attire: Sebastien Grey Clothiers NYC / Groomsmen Attire: Men’s Wearhouse / Brass Band: Storyville Stompers / Programs, Reception Menus, Table Numbers, and Place Cards: Michelle Sasser / Rolls Royce Rental and Shuttles: Capital City Trolleys

Sapphire Events is a delightful member of our Blue Ribbon Vendor Directory!

lisa Written with love by Lisa
4 Comments
  1. avatar Emily reply

    Jill’s gown is perfection – and I love how happy these two look throughout their wedding day!

  2. avatar Amanda {Planning It All} reply

    Her gown is stunning – I really like the lace overlay!

  3. avatar Southern Weddings Weekly Round-Up – Southern Weddings Magazine reply

    […] only thing more romantic than Katie and Mark‘s wedding (above) was their sweet love story. Jill and Donald‘s wedding was chic and elegant, with the perfect amount of New Orleans flair. We […]

  4. avatar Victoria reply

    What a fun and beautiful wedding!

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Today’s Sweet Tea Sunday couple needs no introduction–it’s our very own Editor-in-Chief and her husband! Lara and Ari’s story is the most beautiful testament to the power of enduring in challenges. The impossible is possible. After eloping in Vegas five months after they first met (yes, the editor of a national wedding magazine eloped in Vegas!), they endured countless hardships over their first years of marriage, many of which threatened to tear them apart. But, they held on. They are a living example that love never fails, and there are truly no words to adequately express how much they inspire each of us at Southern Weddings. Lara and Ari will be celebrating eight years of marriage this Tuesday, and we’re delighted to share their wise advice today!

From Ari: The best way to improve your relationship with your spouse is to work on your relationship with God. That means humbling yourself and working to be your very best for everyone around you. When you feel His love for yourself, you will joyfully serve, give, and sacrifice for your spouse, and these actions will nurture your relationship.

From Lara: Yes, our marriage completely changed. We went from hopeless to bubbling over with love and joy together. I know it sounds too good to be true, but that’s because it was God that made this happen, not us. We tried doing marriage our way and everything almost crumbled. It took both of our hearts changing, laying down all of our past failures and forgiving each other, to help us see the real lasting path to love. Praying together has helped us a lot on the journey. It felt awkward at first to pray together, but now it feels like second nature. Especially when we are mad at each other, praying together changes things. Our hearts soften and strengthen. If you are in a marriage that feels impossible to fix, keep choosing hope. I felt like it was impossible for anything to change too — about a thousand times, no exaggeration. If you are engaged even and having a hard time figuring each other out, keep choosing love. Little by little flowers grow with sun and water. Little by little your relationship can be strengthened and grow in a new way with the same daily tending. I know this is true and that’s why I do what I do here at Southern Weddings. Because, marriage matters and the impossible is possible. Keep choosing love, never stop dating, and slow dancing in the kitchen helps too. 

Landon Jacob

Keep up with Lara
Website: Lara Casey
Blog: Lara Casey
Facebook: Lara Casey
Twitter: @LaraCasey
Instagram: @LaraACasey

lisa Written with love by Lisa
2 Comments
  1. avatar Claire reply

    Awe! I love Lara and Ari’s sweet story. Very honest and real. Happy Anniversary you two! You inspire me to pray more with my fiancée. :-)

  2. avatar Kyla F reply

    This is lovely! Happy (in two days) anniversary to Lara and Ari! They inspire me to put God first in everything, including my future marriage someday.

Southern Weddings reserves the right to delete comments which contain profanity or personal attacks or seek to promote a business unrelated to the post.  And remember: a good attitude is like kudzu – it spreads.  We love hearing your kind thoughts!

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