Southern Weddings

Hi, ladies! Some of you long-time readers may remember our friend Katie, from the wonderful and hilarious blog Marriage Confessions (and some of you might just recognize Katie from MC, apart from SW!). Katie used to write a monthly column for Southern Weddings, and though it was hugely-popular, it somehow fell by the wayside. Well, we thought we’d give it another shot! Katie will be dropping by monthly to share her funny, smart, and poignant perspective on life after the wedding, and we know you’ll love her as much as we do! Emily

My husband and I have been married for four months and are considering purchasing our first home. I’ve been a little frustrated him when it comes to home purchases and repairs. We just can’t see eye to eye and it is causing a lot of friction in our marriage. Any ideas about how to make this process more successful as a couple?

My husband and I closed on a house today. Which you would think would be cause to celebrate. And perhaps if this were our first home purchase together, I might, in my naïve romantic mind, think this was worth popping open some bubbly over. But I’m too smart for that now.

I’ve bought a house with my husband before and lived to tell about it.

You see, when we bought our first house together four years ago, I had plans for bright yellow kitchens and monogrammed towels… only to discover that my husband also had plans. But his were of blue kitchens and no hand towels (he thinks they are a waste of space… don’t get me started…). Nothing irked me more than having a beautiful home planned out in my mind and then having my husband take one look at a paint chip and announce, “It really wasn’t what I had in mind.”

Taking on large projects together as a couple, such as home purchases or renovations, can be a really fun experience to share. Your home is an extension of who you are and so combining your ideas into something that represents the two of you is a big part of your union. But for some (myself included), taking on large projects that require a husband and wife to agree on everything together can be a little… well, it can drive you absolutely insane.

Take last Sunday, for example. Chris and I had been talking about paint colors for our living room for weeks. I’d been clipping pictures and saving boards on Pinterest and every night after the kids were in bed, I’d sit down with Chris and we’d talk about what we liked in each picture and what we didn’t. By the time we were ready to go to the hardware store to purchase paint, we had a clear understanding of what our house was going to look like. It would be yellow. And bright and cheery. And comfortable. So, imagine my surprise when we walked over to the paint counter and Chris started pulling BLUE paint chips off the color wall.

Blue. Blue had never even been on the table. I had never heard blue brought up once in our conversations. And yet, there he was in the hardware store, comparing different shades of blue.

When I asked what he was doing, he shrugged his shoulders and said in a very nonchalant tone, “I’m thinking maybe a blue would be better.”

This is how divorce happens, people. You think you’re both looking in the yellows and before you know it, one of you has wandered off into the wild blue yonder.

Now, am I exaggerating? Depends. How much did you like that yellow?

In the two times that Chris and I have bought and sold homes together and in the countless other projects we’ve taken on as a couple that requires us to reach shared decisions (including raising our two children), I’ve learned that the keys to success in home projects are the same keys to success in your marriage:

1. Be flexible. Just like in marriage, it can’t all be your way, all the time. You have to compromise. Sometimes you’re going have to give, and sometimes you’re going to get to take. When you feel yourself digging your heels in about a decision regarding your home, stop and ask yourself how important this decision is to you. There will be some decisions that are extremely important (for me, it was a safety gate around the pool for our kids – that was a non-negotiable for me), but there will probably be more decisions that you might realize in the grand scheme of things aren’t that big of a deal (which is why there are no hand towels in my house).

2. Be patient. I have found with Chris that the more I rush him or push him to make a decision, the more likely it is that he’ll push back against me. Instead, we talk about something and then we put it to rest for a few days before we talk about it again. This gives me time to decide how flexible I want to be on the decision and, more importantly, it gives Chris time to think things over and come to a conclusion on his own. No adult likes to be told what to do and when, and your spouse is no different. Voice your opinions and ideas, but then sit back and be patient while your partner thinks it over. This is true for every decision you make in your marriage, from talking about paint samples to if you’re ready to have a baby.

3. Be nice. Best marriage advice I ever got? Be nice to your spouse. So simple and, yet, so easy to forget, too. My husband is my best friend. There’s no one I’m closer to in this world. And with that level of comfort and familiarity, it can be easy to forget to speak kindly. It’s not that I ever have to filter what I say to him, but every true, honest thing I say to him should be said nicely – even if we are disagreeing. There’s no reason to become mean. Especially in the aisles of Home Depot. No matter how passionate you might be about a particular home renovation or purchase, there’s never a reason to be mean to your spouse. Agree. Disagree. Whatever you want. But do it nicely.

Truthfully, buying homes and building our lives together in those homes has been such a highlight in my marriage. I love my home because it is a physical representation of my marriage. And so, on those days when I really want to beat my husband with a paint stirrer, I just remind myself that a little bit of yellow paint and a little bit of blue paint actually makes a pretty darn spectacular shade of green.

Love all things Katie? You can check out her blog, Marriage Confessions, here, or check out her past columns for Southern Weddings here, here, here, here, and here. Have a question for Katie? Feel free to email her!

Written with love by Emily