Hello ladies and gents! Welcome back to our next installment of Southern Etiquette! Today’s question comes from Intern Sydney, whose cousin is planning a wedding for next year. Here’s the problem: Sydney’s family is… boisterous. Not in a bad way, and not in a way that most people would consider excessive. They love to have fun, they love to dance, and they love to drink (you know, within reason). The fiancé’s family? Not so much. They’re a much more conservative bunch, and almost to the man they don’t partake in beverages of the alcoholic variety. Sydney knows her family will be surprised, confused, and possibly even upset if they arrive to find a less than “happening” party, but her cousin also, of course, doesn’t want to make her fiancé’s family uncomfortable.
As always, I defer to Emily Post. Though I couldn’t find anything that exactly corresponded to this situation, I did find this:
“You will provide beverages, but you don’t have to serve alcohol if you don’t want to or you have religious or moral reasons not to Some couples and their families don’t drink alcohol themselves but do provide alcoholic drinks for their guests. Others restrict alcohol to wine, wine and beer, or just champagne for toasting. Budget is always a consideration, but these days, people are also limiting or eliminating liquor for health and safety reasons.”
My two cents? I think it’s important that the bride and groom are on the same page. If they don’t feel comfortable explaining to the bride’s side that the groom’s side doesn’t want to drink, then I think it’s fine to say they chose to cut out alcohol because of the expense. Either way, communication before the wedding arrives is key.
So what do you think? Any tips for family member discussions before the big day, or for managing expectations before and at the wedding? Is a compromise possible here, or should one family win out? Have any of you had to deal with a similar issue?
As always, if you have an etiquette conundrum, please send it my way! We’d love to hash it out on the blog. That’s emily at iloveswmag dot com.
Images in header c/o Millie Holloman
Another tough one at first glance, but you hit the nail on the head… better for them to be in agreement and not serve alcoholic beverages at the reception, citing budget. The party folks can always go on to an after party… quite a trend now for bridal receptions.
My fiance’s family doesn’t drink, but my loud, Italian family definitely does. We are having beer and wine at our reception. My thought is that if someone doesn’t want to drink, then they shouldn’t. But if one side of the family drinks, then alcoholic beverages should be provided for those who would like to partake. Just my two cents :)
I think that if you spend too much time considering whether your event will upset or hurt people’s feelings, you’re never going to create a day that reflects you and your to-be-spouse or truly and fully celebrate the beginning of your married life together. That said, sheer disregard for discomfort is inconsiderate. If Sydney’s cousin is going to be embarrassed about her family in front of her fiance’s family (which is, truly, what I read from this situation), that has more to do with Sydney’s feelings/insecurities than with her family. I disagree with Larry and agree with Christin that providing the choice will allow the drinkers to do so and the non-drinkers to decline. I guarantee these adults who do not drink have been in situations before where alcohol has been available and were perfectly fine with their own choice to choose non-alcoholic beverages. I think talking about your budget and what you can and cannot afford as an explanation for what you do or do not have at your wedding is extraordinarily tacky.
I’m on the side of serving alcohol. Taking alcohol off the menu is merely satisfying one half of the guest list is leaving you open to negative feelings from the alcoholic drinkers. If the concern is that the alcohol consumption will result in embarrassing or uncomfortable moments, perhaps consider offering limited choices during cocktail hour and dinner, and having a cash bar for the remainder of the night. That also helps to cut back over consumption!I think it’s most important that you make choices that reflect your values so that you are happy and comfortable with everything. If that means no alcohol then that’s the right decision but if it’s merely to appease a select group of people then you are on the wrong path. Unfortunately you will never make everyone happy so focus on making sure you’re happy first and the rest should fall into place.
I had that problem (my side of the family isn’t big drinkers, for religious reasons, his side is) and was uncertain about what to do. I definitely didn’t want liquor there, nor did I really want the presence of a bar. However, my fiance and I both enjoy wine with dinner and know some people appreciate that as well. We decided we are serving wine with dinner, and a champagne toast with the cake cutting. That way, it is still elegant, without making the non-drinkers feel uncomfortable and there’s no risk about people getting too tipsy.
We had the similar thing happen with our upcoming wedding. Think about what you want and when you go to a wedding what you expect but most importantly how you and your fiance see your wedding and what is affordable for you. There are many options other than supplying a full bar. Just provide unlimited champagne, or a bottle or wine on each table, or have a signature drink, or host the beer and wine with a champagne toast. My fiance and I opted for the last option. Hopefully your venue will accommodate your needs and budget. Good luck!
I agree with several others above saying go ahead, serve it in whatever fashion you prefer (limited offerings, full bar, whatever). To say that the side of the family who doesn’t partake has never been exposed to it, would be pretty rare. If the bride and groom are both comfortable with it, that’s what’s most important.However, I have seen two similar situations handled in equally crafty methods:1 – I have been to two country club weddings, and one restaurant reception, where the bar (that served the alcohol beverages), was a bit set apart (either in different rooms because of how the building is built, etc.). People will find it! And the ones who wanted to drink and chat instead of dance, that is a great space for them to do so without trying to talk over a DJ.2 – My best friend erred on this side because of her budget. They had an early afternoon wedding and then reserved space at a local bar (LARGE bar, because they had a huge guest list of post-partiers) and invited anyone who wanted to attend to come out after for drinks, more dancing, and post-reception shenanigans. I called ahead and worked with the bar to ensure free cover for all attendees, some VIP service and DJ recognition for the bride+groom/parents/bridal party, etc. and it was a HUGE hit. Tons of people came… drinkers and non-drinkers alike… all had a good time. Some people just stayed for a cocktail or two, some of us stayed until closing time. (This is also a good idea for a budget-conscious couple who would still like to serve a round libations for attendees at no cost to their guest. A bar or restaurant may be happy to provide say, a round of one type of drink, beer, glass of wine, or shot for 50-100-or more guests at a low, flat price that the bride+groom can arrange before hand to get tons of people in their venue at once… especially ones who might stay around and spend more money!)
How about a reception that almost flows backwards? Perhaps a dinner in the beginning with just your regular tea and soft drinks then a champagne toast, and then… move into the full bar and cocktails. That way, most of the non-party type people will probably be starting to pack up and head home and everyone else can get the party started without having been smashed before dinner was even served. That’s a little unconventional, but depending on your venue and the logistics, it could potentially work.
Although I don’t drink, I think it would be appropriate to serve alcohol at the wedding. The guests who don’t like to drink can choose not to, but if there is no alcohol, the guests who do enjoy drinking have no choice. I think it’s better to have the option than to have the choice chosen for you. Since the couple already knows that not everyone will drink, perhaps they can cut cost by choosing only to serve limited choices at the bar.
I think it is fine to serve alcohol at the reception. If the conservative family doesn’t want to drink, they don’t have to. They can still have just as much fun as those that are partaking in spirits. Issues only stem from one side of the family judging one another’s choices. This can be conquered by simply having the bride and groom speak to each side of the family and explaining how the other is likely to behave. People are always able to cope better when they are prepared.Plus, I’d say if the bride and groom are personally okay with drinking alcohol, then they should include it. The day is supposed to be a celebration of their love and their relationship, right? :)
This is exactly the situation with my upcoming June wedding. My family will drink alot, his will not. I agree with Sharon, if you choose not to drink you don’t have too but if it’s not even present at the wedding people who would enjoy a drink cannot have one. While I think it is ok to have a bar and I want all of my guests to have a great time, (not a cash bar!! I think this is very tacky and if you need to do it just limit choices to beer & wine), it is never appropriate to get smashed, even if both sides were partiers. Guests who have chosen to drink in excess should be escorted out by a sober wedding guest.