Southern Weddings

Hi Emily!Just my small opinion on this… If Katherine’s family plans on paying for the wedding, I believe that they should have a say on the guest list. They, in the end, hold the purse strings. Having so many guests will obviously make the events more pricey and probably out of the range of what Katherine would look for in a wedding. Not meaning to be tacky, but Kyle’s family wouldn’t be shelling out the extra money for their multitudes of guests- renting tables, chairs, linens, catering, programs, invites, wedding gifts, etc…it all adds up.They should probably set a cap of how many people their budget can comfortably fit and then discuss/decide who are the most important people to each of them. It’s their day and it’s really their decision who they want to have at their celebration with them no matter what their families tell them.

This dilemma is close to my heart, as I dealt with the same situation during my wedding. J and I had decided to invite no more than 85 people and to only invite immediate family and grandparents. My family is somewhat small (I should take that back– my parents have many siblings (a total of 10), but they never expected me to invite them, as we’re not close) and his family is extremely large and close (his parents have 12 siblings). His mother was appalled that we weren’t planning to invite EVERYONE. She even emailed me a spreadsheet with 109 people on it– of just his family. We were paying for the wedding ourselves (with a small contribution from my parents), and I couldn’t imagine inviting all of those people when they totalled more than double our original guest list! I was afraid that my family of how my family would feel when I wasn’t inviting aunts/uncles/cousins from my side. I was also a little worried that my parents would resent the fact that they were giving us money only to fund his family’s attendance. We went back and forth on what we wanted to do and finally decided that we didn’t want to start our new lives together with a shadow of frustration and hurt from his family. BUT– I made him ask his parents to help at least a little bit. I say "made" because he really, really didn’t want to. Then we invited my aunts and uncles, just to ease a bit of tension on my parents’ side once they heard the news. In the end, we had about 40 people from his family and about 12 from mine. Unfortunately, we had to cut back on the number of friends we’d planned to invite, which was frustrating, but it was a way to "make the peace" straight out of the gate with his family. Without them contributing monetarily, we wouldn’t have been able to make it work with the extra guests.So… long story short… think of these points:-Does all of his family live nearby? Will they make the trek? If many won’t, then it might not be worth getting worked up about.-Can your venue hold all of the extra people if they do say yes?-Are his parents willing to contribute at least a little to ease the financial burden that your parents are taking on?-Be prepared for the consequences of either decision and decide which one you’re more willing to live with.In the end, we realized that having so many family members willing to show their support made the day that much more special.

If it were me, I would explain to both sets of parents that the budget only allows a certain number of "seats" per family, and allow the parents to choose which members of the family or which family friends they would like to fill those seats with. That way the parents feel as if they’ve had some say in the decision, but the bride and groom aren’t required to oblige their parents’ long, extended guests lists (and, if their parents would like to invite more, they understand that that will require a little contribution to the budget!).

This is my current situation. I’d rather have a small wedding, but that wasn’t feasible. His family is massive, mine is a bit more "compact". Since Katherine’s parent’s are paying, I think it’s fair for them to give the number of seats they’re comfortable paying for and letting Katherine and Kyle split those evenly. If Katherine doesn’t use them all, by all means, Kyle can have them but the total shouldn’t exceed the number set by her parents. I wouldn’t even give them the option of paying for their "overage" because that’s not only a slap in Katherine’s family’s face, but it doesn’t address the issue of their wedding turning into a "family reunion" where she’s going to have to be introduced to many of the guests.

I understand the etiquette problem with this situation, however it seems that it can be resolved within the bride and groom, and the family’s may not need to be involved at all. The decision ultimately isn’t whether or not to invite the person, the decision is how that person will feel about not being invited and how much that person’s feelings matter to the bride and groom. The day is for the bride and groom~therefore, how they feel about hurt feelings or making everyone happy is the bottom line. : ) Of course, you have to consider the budget….but if you don’t know all of his huge family and he’s only seen them three times….do they all really need to be invited? Sometimes it’s practicality that counts, sometimes it’s sentimentality. These days, etiquette counts, but it’s more flexible than it used to be. There is always a tactful way of mentioning the wedding but not inviting everyone you’ve ever met ; )

Weddings are sticky, right? Part of the "paired" conversations my husband and I had with our parents involved the desired look, feel, budget, and environment we were going for. When in doubt, we focused on the budget we had and did not disclose numbers – rather, offered each side a number of guests they could contribute. If questions were asked, we just said that this was the wedding we wanted, and expressed how excited we were. The groom’s mother offered to pay more for more guests, but we politely declined, saying it was important to have a wedding that reflected our desires for a more intimate setting. (She did sneak in a camcorder – but that’s another story.) I love Stacy’s suggestion – the "seating" idea really worked well with us. Just be transparent, respectful, and VERY VERY paired and supportive of each other. Every one else will see that unified front, and will act accordingly.

What about capping it at a relational level? For example, only extend the guest list to Aunts and Uncles or First Cousins and spouses/live in partners. The secret is to figure out among the rounds of relatives where you can truly cut. This way no one gets offended because you made a reasonable cap. If you make it an even number, one side might end up inviting second cousins and the other might not even get out of immediate family leaving the Aunts that were left out of the larger family a bit upset. Yes, this will tend to make one side have a larger guest list but then the B&G can fill in with friends of theirs. We did this for my wedding and stopped at aunts and uncles. This made my half of the guest list considerably larger (my mom is one of 5) but when we explained the cutoff (always blaming space not budget) everyone was fine with it. Don’t forget when you are making a guest list, cut it in at least thirds (if not fourths). The bride and groom should have the people they want and the parents guest list can invite the family. Too many times the guest list is divided in half between the two families and the couple ends up fighting with their parents about inviting a friend over a family member. Be VERY clear with the number allotted to each side or the level of family they are allowed to invite so someone doesn’t overstep their bounds. Even better, ask each set of parents not to extend verbal invitations!!