Hey y’all! We were so happy to see how much you loved Katie Brown’s new column (see it here if you missed it the first time around). One of you commented that while you loved Katie’s topic, you’d love to see a similar column written from the bridesmaid’s perspective.
Well ask and you shall receive, lovely readers! We’re not ready to roll out an entirely new column, but I thought for the next month or so, we’d tackle a few thorny attendant issues right here in Southern Etiquette. I’m going to be a bridesmaid not once but TWICE this year (once for my sister and once for my dear Katharine), which I’m going to pretend makes me something of an expert. You with me? Good.
Up first? The bridesmaid dress! (Dun dun dun.) And what to do if you hate it. To be honest, we’ve come a long way from the peach and aqua prom dress imposters of yore (Katherine Heigl excepted, apparently! And hey — vintage prom dresses can be beautiful!) In our real wedding interviews, brides often note that one of their top priorities was finding a reasonably priced dress that was worthy of being worn again for the girls gracious to stand next to them on W-Day.
Which sounds great. But in actuality, is still easier said than done. For instance, one of my favorite cocktail dresses of all time is the J. Crew Bow Monde dress. Gorgeous? I sure think so! But many a friend who I’ve eagerly shown this number to has blanched at the oversize bow.
So, to the point: what if you hate the dress that has been chosen for you to wear? Ms. Post weighs in:
“It’s important [for the bride] to think about [her] bridesmaids’ height and figures and look for styles that will be as flattering as possible for everyone. Though the maid of honor traditionally assists in the selection of bridesmaids’ attire, try to consult with all your attendants.”
Okay, well, yes. Good point, Ms. Post. But if it’s ugly, not just ill-fitting, are you “allowed” to say anything? (Keeping in mind, of course, that “ugly” is often in the eye of the beholder.) I think that depends on the bride and your relationship with her. If she’s proven to be at all touchy or protective about her wedding decisions, I’d say to drop it. BUT! If, in the past, 1) she’s seemed receptive to constructive criticism, 2) you’re confident that the other maids agree with you on the, errr, aesthetic value of the dress in question, and 3) you have a close relationship with the bride, I’d give you the green light to approach the subject. Preferably before a deposit’s been put down.
What about y’all? Anyone ever worn an “ugly” bridesmaid dress? Did you say something to the bride? Did you want to? If you did, how did the conversation go? Do you have any advice? Spill the deets, please!
As always, if you have an etiquette conundrum, please send it my way! We’d love to hash it out on the blog. That’s emily at iloveswmag dot com.
Images in header c/o Millie Holloman, images in post from IMDB.com
I’m using the J Crew Bow Monde in Caspian blue for my june wedding (with white hydrangea bouquets). My BMs LOVE it and one actually sent me a thank you card for picking it haha.
Yes, Lizz!! Can I be in your wedding party? I would send you a thank you note!
I am using the J Crew Bow Monde in black for my evening wedding in October. All my bridesmaids said they loved and it looks cute on all!!!
I just kept my mouth shut…she still thinks they were awesome dresses, but we looked like a bunch of cupcakes
I have been a bridesmaid a three times, and I will be again this July. I love it. :) However, I have worn one ugly dress so far- and it was for my bestest friend’s wedding! Short story- we went to the store, tried on a bunch of dresses, and she chose one we all weren’t too found of (HUGE butt bow!). We let it go because she really loved the dress, and then went to choosing the colors. She wanted this purple-y redish color with lavender accents (blech!) and we talked her into wine with light pink accents instead. We thought we were all in agreement and the bride was happy. We placed our orders and left- the bride went back the next day and changed the colors of the dresses back to what she wanted!! :) Ultimately, it’s her day, and we would of course wear whatever she wanted us to. Her happiness was the most important thing, so we all wore ugly purple butt bow dresses. Mine is floating around a Goodwill somewhere right about now. ;)Okay that wasn’t so short, but anyway, I agree with Emily, it depends on your relationship with the bride. The wedding I’m in in July is for my brother-in-law, so I’m not super close with the bride. She has shown me a couple dresses I’m not really fond of, but I don’t think I’ll say anything unless the other girls closer to her say something first. I’ll just wear whatever she says and smile pretty all day. :)Within reason, it is a bridesmaid’s duty to make the bride HAPPY!! Even if the dress that makes her happy makes you cry inside. ;)
ALL the bridesmaid dresses I’ve worn, I considered ugly for one reason or another. . .color, style, excessive beading. That said, I don’t think that re-wearability or the bridesmaids’ sense of fashion should have anything to do with it. . .I truly wanted my friends and sisters to have the wedding THEY want. I can suck it up and wear just about anything if it makes my sister’s big day perfect.
I’ve worn a couple bm dresses that weren’t my favorite, but they weren’t all out ugly, just not my style. One really nice thing that two of the brides did was buy our dresses. There was a lot less push-back on style and color and all of that when she was footing the bill. Did I think the big ribbon belt was chic? No, but it was the look she loved. Would I have paid for it and worn it if that’s the direction she had gone? Yes, but I probably would have had a bit of residual angst about the situation. I did the same for the girls in my wedding. It’s nice when you’re hosting showers and a bachelorette party and putting hours of your life into someone else’s wedding that you’re not also annoyed about spending $200+ on a dress that you’ll literally never wear again… but she got the look she wanted at the same time and it was only a minor increase in her overall budget. I also had a friend who asked us all to pick out dresses in a specific color that we loved. She got the overall look she wanted with color and we all got to express our own personal style in dress choice and it’s definitely something I will wear again!
I definitely agree that whether you should speak up about an ugly dress depends on your relationship with the bride. But there’s one more factor to think about- whether she will freak out or not. If you are pretty close friends, you know how the bride will take it. One of my best friends has told me one of her bridesmaid horror stories. Not only did the bride choose a floral-printed above-the-knee bubble skirted dress in black and navy (which would have only been flattering on a stick-think model at a night club), the bridesmaids were also required to wear their hair in up-do’s circa 1999 high school prom, and were FORBIDDEN to wear false eyelashes. And although all of the bridesmaids were very close friends, no one said a word because they knew the bride would have flipped out.So if you know your bride will welcome your opinion and wants you to like the dress she chooses, then tell her. If you know she’ll be upset, or if you don’t know at all how she will react, your best bet it to keep your mouth zipped.
I woul dhave to agree with Liane (earlier comment) "Within reason, it is a bridesmaid’s duty to make the bride HAPPY!! Even if the dress that makes her happy makes you cry inside. ;). I’ve been in three weddings and the dresses in all of them were HIDEOUS!….silver satin (absolutely hideous ankle-length dress with jacket!), baby blue spandex and blue satin(skirt and top mix) and pastel roses cotton(as a young bridesmaid)…..but I sucked it up and wore them. If you really hate the dress and have a close relationship with the bride–then it’s okay to say something, but ultimately–she wouldn’t have picked the dresses unless she really liked them. Thinking about it that way, be honored she asked you and remember you never have to wear the dress again!! Besides, really? Who does wear a bridesmaid dress again?
after tons & tons of group discussion, my MOH and one of my closest BMs found an adorable dress from anthropolgie for them to wear. they all say they love it and will actually wear it again, but who really knows if they are being honest or not. i think i put a fair amount of time, effort, and consideration to make all of them happy. with that said, i have worn a not-so-cute BM dress before, i did not say a word other than "it’s beautiful!" to the bride, and i think that was the right decision. it is, after all, her day, her design, her dream. i do just about anything for a few hours, include look ugly. with that, they did look good pictures and went with the theme. so in conclusion, is it really worth it to say anything to the bride and hurt your best friend’s feelings? i absolutely think not.
As the bride I looked at it this way:I’m not wearing it and I’m not paying for it. I looked for dresses that would work but more importantly that they would like. Yes, it’s my day, but it’s their photos too. I want them to look and feel great.And I think all brides need to think about how they would feel it the shoe was on the other foot.
I decided I wanted my bridesmaids to wear their dresses at ther times in life. So I just picked colors that were within a few shades of my wedding color and don’t clash. Then I told my bridesmaids they could go and pick basically any dresses (I’m only having 2) and just send me pictures to approve. They both got gorgeous dresses that I’ve seen each of them wear at least 2 or 3 times per summer since my wedding 3 years ago.
my maid of honour’s dress arrived and it is just terrible. no time get her a new one, i feel so bad that she has to wear it =(