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Category: Southern Etiquette

Southern Etiquette posts remain some of our most popular to date, so after a brief hiatus, I’m happy to say they’re back! You can expect one a month from here on out. By far the most common query I get is about bridal showers and the etiquette surrounding them. It seems like the basic etiquette is understood, but there are an endless number of slightly different “situations” hosts and honorees find themselves in (and like to email me about). Let’s take a look at one recent note from a mother of the bride, Dea:

My daughter is newly engaged to a boy who grew up in the small town to which we moved about four years ago. His parents grew up here as well. The moment their engagement was made public, several women at our mutual church volunteered to be shower hostesses, which is a part of the local generous Southern tradition.

Between the couple, they have over 80 family members who will be invited to the wedding. This includes siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. They want to limit the wedding to that group and a dozen or so close friends, most of whom will be members of the wedding party.

Should my daughter decline the offers of these women to host a shower, since they will not be invited to the wedding? The groom’s mother feels that the appropriate solution is to have a 300 – 400 person guest list, including people neither the bride nor groom really know, but this is not only outside the limits of our financial ability, it is also not what the bride and groom want for their special day.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts on this matter!

Dea

Photo by Amy Moss

I think the situation Dea is describing is extremely common in the South. (Feel free to agree or disagree in the comments!) I am with Dea that the appropriate solution is not to invite 300-400 people to the wedding if that’s not what the couple wants or what is in the cards financially. There is never an excuse to go into debt for a wedding, and while family opinions should be given considerate weight by the bride and groom, they should never be pressured into an event with which they’re not comfortable.

I think the first step is to offer the gracious potential hostesses an effusive thank you. Then, make it clear to them that the couple is planning a small wedding and that a traditional shower might not be the most appropriate choice. If they still insist on hosting, I actually think that’s just fine and a lovely gesture, but I would consider calling the event something like a “luncheon in honor of the bride” or a “meet the bride breakfast” instead of a shower, and I would insist on no gifts.

In lieu of gifts, you could ask each guest to bring a favorite recipe for the bride. Or, since it sounds like most guests have known the groom for most of his life, they could each write out a favorite or funny memory from his childhood, a volume I’m sure any bride would cherish!

Belles, what do you think? What would you advise in this situation? Any other ideas for a non-gift shower?

P.S. Have your own etiquette conundrum? Feel free to email me!

emily Written with love by Emily
9 Comments
  1. avatar Alicia reply

    I have to disagree. My husband and I both grew up in Tennessee. Our home churches BOTH gave us bridal teas/showers before our wedding. Very few of the people who came to the tea/shower were invited to the wedding. They were both the kind of event where it was announced in the Sunday bulletin as an open invitation for whoever wanted to come and it was a come and go type of thing. It’s just an accepted practice here that the churches give a shower/tea and that all are invited (whether by formal invitation or a group one in a bulletin). I will say though that there were more invited to the wedding from my church than my husbands….just because the wedding was at my church and my husbands home church was almost 2 hours away.

  2. avatar Hayley reply

    I ran into this exact same problem! My fiance is from a very small Tennessee town and the town basically raised him! While I would love to invite all of his townsfolk to the wedding- it would be close to 300 people and we want to keep our wedding relatively small. We have decided to do an evening themed “party” which will be more of a cookout to meet everyone and celebrate our upcoming nutials! I am so glad to hear it isn’t just me with this problem! :)

  3. avatar Maggie Goodell reply

    A polite “thank you” with a decline seems the most appropriate. I too believe that weddings should reflect what the bride and groom prefer. Inviting extra people the couple doesn’t know, or don’t know well, can be awkward and distracting.

  4. avatar Dee Shore reply

    I agree 200% with you Emily. Inviting everyone and their mother is not financially smart. I’m from NYC so I know first hand that the average per plate here is about $150-$200. I’m sure in the South, though cheaper, I don’t think it differs by much. Also, keep in mind that not everyone gives a monetary gift, and it’s rare to get back every cent you’re spending. Now as per the shower, since they all seem to be eager to help, let them and do a ladies pot luck brunch at the church. This way all feelings are spared and everyone takes part of the union some way.

  5. avatar Liz reply

    I just got married a little over a month ago and had this same scenario pop up during our engagement. Both my husband and I are from small towns with sweet churches that we grew up in. For us, we knew it was poor etiquette since not everyone was invited to the wedding and went ahead with home church showers anyways. I think a “simple thank you” would’ve offended the women trying to host the shower, as well as more of the church members. Sometimes, even though things are “proper” etiquette, you just have to go with Southern rules and send nice thank you cards!

  6. avatar Maddison reply

    Maybe have the shower after the wedding.

  7. avatar Lauren reply

    I guess I’m definitely a southern girl. I loved the fact that my small church wanted to throw me a shower. In my mind, this is their way of celebrating with us since most won’t be invited to the wedding. Same goes for my office. Although I’ve recently accepted a new position elsewhere, they insisted on hosting a wedding shower before my last day.

  8. avatar lisa reply

    I am recently married and we ran into the same problem. We have large extended families and many friends, however we wanted a small wedding, mostly due to finances and not wanting to go into debt. However, we had two engagement parties that our parents hosted and invited all of our friends and family. Therefore, we invited them to our showers. Several of my MIL’s friends wanted to host and attend b/c they care for her and her family.
    Southern Weddings have changed. They used to be simple and receptions held in church fellowship halls or sometimes at someone’s home, therefore they were not expensive and everyone could attend.
    If you have had a wedding in the last 10 years, I believe people are more understanding b/c they know the cost.

  9. avatar Fletcher reply

    I think that this happens more often than not. I love the idea of having a luncheon or afternoon tea- the hostesses are pleased that they are giving the party but there is no pressure for gifts!

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Around these parts, it’s been said that if it stops moving, I’ll monogram it. To be honest, that couldn’t be more true. Growing up, my initials were MNA, which is perfectly fine until you use a 3-letter monogram. Then it’s mAn — not so cute! So when I married my adorable hubby and became MAK (or mKa for 3-letters), I could not have been more thrilled and literally made up for lost time monogramming everything that well…stopped moving! As a Southerner, we’re born monogrammed (or at least my babies will be), but the formal etiquette of which letter goes where can become a bit tricky.

That’s why we turned to our friend Emily at Emma J Design. She created this handy-dandy “cheat sheet” to help unfold the etiquette of the monogram. It will help you choose the appropriate monogram style for before, during and after the wedding.

Emily says, “we know as much as the next bride that we cannot wait to use our new last name and incorporate it into our lives as newlyweds! From your thank you notes to use as an engaged woman to your thank you notes as a married woman, your monogram evolves throughout the process. Whether your style is modern, traditional or vintage, there are many ways to incorporate your initials, your fiance/husband’s initials or your new married name together.”

Need a little more guidance? She also created a cheat sheet for invitation etiquette as well! Be sure to check it out here. Thanks for your help, Emily!

Now, tell me, how will you be incorporating your pre- and post-wedding monogram into your wedding and daily life?

marissa Written with love by Marissa
28 Comments
  1. avatar Rachel A. reply

    This is what I call my #southerngirlproblem
    I married a boy and now my monogram is rAw
    (not so cute on a bathrobe)
    Can I use my maiden middle name, L, instead?

    • avatar Marissa reply

      Hi Rachel! I love the #Southerngirlproblem hashtag! Too fun! You absolutely can use your maiden middle initial. That’s actually what I do! Get to monogramming, girl! xx

  2. avatar Sheila Marie reply

    Oh no, I just realized I did my monogram wrong on my wedding invites, I used our (to-be) joint monogram on the invitation. My MOH designed it, I just couldn’t help but put it everywhere, I LOVE IT!

    I’m in love with my invitation suite and I did all the other invite etiquette rules correctly, so I guess I’ll be able to live with one mess-up. ;)

  3. avatar Courtney H. reply

    Another “oh no”- apparently my wedding monogram is backwards! My initial is on the right and his is on the left, how serious is this? Should I have my invites reprinted?? Are my in-laws going to brand me a Yankee and never let me bring the pecan pie to Thanksgiving?!

    • avatar Marissa reply

      Oh, Courtney! Bless your heart! No, there is no need to re-print or panic. Your in laws will completly understand that little snafu. Just keep in mind for future monogramming that your first initial will always be first. And as long as you bring pecan pie, you’re always be welcome to any Thanksgiving in the South! xx

  4. avatar Victoria reply

    This just saved our registry from being wrong- I had no idea the wife on the left and the husband on the right was specified! Logged onto pottery barn immediately to fix! Thanks so much! I’ve gone a little monogram crazy with this new change! :)

  5. avatar Katie reply

    Wow – monograms are so confusing – I always thought the man’s initial went first in a joint monogram – and I think I read that on this past post! http://iloveswmag.com/2010/09/21/southern-etiquette-monograms-middle-names/

    Ah – now I’m so confused!

    • avatar Marissa reply

      Hi Katie! Yes, monogram etiquette can be quite confusing and definitely varies from person to person. In that previous post, it was KTW’s preference of the older tradition in which the man would go first in a joint monogram. Emily is using a more modern way with the lady going first. There is no right or wrong way, so monogram your favorite way! : ) xx

  6. avatar Courtney Hill reply

    Love, love, love this! You absolutely cannot have too many monograms!

  7. avatar Dishie Rentals » Blog Archive » Monogram Etiquette reply

    […] monogram? Here in the South, we think not. Go ahead and pin this handy cheat sheet. Our friends at Southern Weddings originally posted this beauty, designed by Emma J Design. One of my first orders of business after […]

  8. avatar Deborah Hayes reply

    First of all, this is a great website! Thank you. My question regards monogrammed towels for guest baths: 1 Letter Monogram or Marriage Monogram?
    Best,
    Deborah
    P.S. You would have loved my wedding!

  9. avatar Jeannie reply

    If you are doing a bridal shower invitation for a girl whose last name is McNamee, how do you write the initials for the last name? Do you simply use a M? We are at a loss and hope you can help. Thanks!

  10. avatar Frani reply

    If the man’s last name is McDonough, are there any other options besides the interlocking letters? Thanks….

  11. avatar Pam reply

    I can’t find the answer to this one ANYWHERE! Suppose a woman has remarried. Example: Maiden name: Paige Rita Calhoun First Marriage: Paige Rita Calhoun Douglas Second Marriage: Paige Rita Calhoun Douglas Anderson? If she wants to mongram something with three initials, presuming she uses her first initial on the left, (P) and her (second) married name in the center (A) ….which letter would she use on the right? Please help! Thanks!

    Pam

    • avatar Emily reply

      Hi Pam! It’s totally up to you! I assume after she’s been remarried she’d drop Douglas, so it seems like the choices are either R for Rita or C for Calhoun. Totally up to preference at that point, though, and what her legal name is!

  12. avatar Beverly reply

    What if I want to monogram something for someone whose name is Laura Rachel Van House? (Name has been changed for privacy!) What 3 letters would I monogram? I’m confused!

    • avatar Kelsey reply

      Beverly – According to this source, you would get the monogram done as LRV or LVR, taking Van House as beginning with a “V.” http://cottagecolony.com/monograms-201/

  13. avatar Leah G reply

    Super info thank you, love your site too :) LeahG

  14. avatar Terre harris reply

    What monogram do you use on ring eaters pillow!

  15. avatar Lorrie reply

    I want to put a monogram on bridesmaid gift but she is getting married 3 weeks after and she will have new initials. Which one should I use pre married or her soon to be married monogram ?

    • avatar Lisa reply

      We vote her married monogram, so she’ll be able to enjoy your gift for years to come! :)

  16. avatar Larissa reply

    I recently got married and hyphenated my last name. And I want to monogram EVERYTHING. But I can’t decide what my monogram should look like. When it comes to three letter monograms, should I drop my middle name and use my first and last name initials, or keep the middle name and use my married name initial in the middle? I’m not sure what the rules are, but I would love some input so I can keep on monogramming! :)

  17. avatar Doris Robinson reply

    What is the appropriate monogram for:
    Jillian B. von Oster

  18. avatar Mishelle Cavanagh reply

    Hi Emily, If I want to use the initial of my new last name as the middle letter in the monogram, who’s initial goes before the last name and who’s initial goes after the last name initial? Is it the husband’s initials, last name initials and then the wife’s initials Thanking you in advance for your help on this.

  19. avatar Lynn reply

    What is the best way to do a monogram with last name starting with Mc

  20. avatar Glenda Fodge reply

    I am hosting a bridal shower for friends. I wanted to do a monogram napkin. Can I use their initials including their last name to be? Or should I stick with 2-letter monogram of their first names only?

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Yesterday’s lovely bridal shower inspiration inspired me to dust off one of my favorite Southern Weddings features: our Southern Etiquette column!

I had just the query, one that came in from a lovely mother of the bride (oh, how we love that mothers read our blog, too!). Here it is:

Hello, Emily,

I read your post about not inviting people to showers who are not invited to weddings, which agrees with my personal opinion and everything else I find on the same topic, but I want to ask the same question again with my own twist, as I am not completely sure if this principle applies in every situation.

My daughter is newly engaged to a boy who grew up in the small town to which we moved about four years ago. His parents grew up here, as well. The moment their engagement was made public, several women at our mutual church volunteered to be shower hostesses, which is a part of the local generous Southern tradition.

Between the couple, they have over 80 family members who will be invited to the wedding. This includes siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. They want to limit the wedding to that group and a dozen or so close friends, most of whom will be members of the wedding party.

Should my daughter decline the offers of these women to host a shower, since they will not be invited to the wedding? The groom’s mother feels that the appropriate solution is to have a 300 – 400 person guest list, including people neither the bride nor groom really know, but this is not only outside the limits of our financial ability, it is also not what the bride and groom want for their special day.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts on this matter!

Mother-of-the-Bride

A perfectly Southern table setting, courtesy of Katie Rivers

I think the dilemma of the “church shower” is both very common and uniquely Southern (i.e. I had never heard of this predicament before I moved South, but have since heard of it several times!). A strong church family is such a wonderful thing to have in your life, but it can make things like shower and wedding guest list planning complicated. Hence, why most Southerners don’t bat an eyelash upon hearing about a 400, 500, or 600 person guest list!

However, a monster guest list is not the solution for every bride, and does not sound like the solution in this case. So, if inviting the church ladies to the wedding and allowing them to host a shower is not the answer, what is?

I think the first step is to make it clear to the would-be hostesses that the couple is planning a small wedding and that a traditional shower might not be the most appropriate choice (while you’re at it, get the MOG on board, too, so she can help spread the word discreetly!).

If they still insist on hosting an event, I actually think that’s just fine, and a lovely gesture. I’m sure it’s one borne out of genuine love for the bride and groom! However, I would guide them towards calling it something besides a “bridal shower” — perhaps a “luncheon in honor of the bride” or a “meet the bride breakfast.” I would also insist on no gifts, and make sure that that’s clearly printed in the invitation. That way, the focus will be on surrounding the bride with love and support, and the risk for hurt feelings should be greatly minimized!

Ladies, I would LOVE to hear what y’all think – is this a situation you’ve run up against? What would you do if you were faced with this situation? Would you allow a traditional shower to be held, take a middle road like I’ve suggested, or insist on none at all? I would LOVE to hear your thoughts!

P.S. Have a etiquette query of your own? Feel free to shoot me an email!

P.P.S. Past etiquette conundrums:
Tipping wedding vendors
Wedding rings for men
Formal invitations – necessary?
Clapping at the recessional

emily Written with love by Emily
9 Comments
  1. avatar Michele reply

    I belong to a very large church family and want to share one way that this situation has been tastefully handled by several families. Everyone in the church is invited to the wedding- sometimes an invitation is in the church bulletin- and a private, invitation-only reception is held at another location a few hours later. Some of the families, typically those who are on staff at the church, will have a simple cookie and punch reception for everyone immediately after the ceremony.

    • avatar Emily reply

      Hi Michele! My sister did something similar for her wedding, and it worked out great! She was getting married on a small island with a tight-knit community, and we wanted to invite everyone to the ceremony but couldn’t have everyone at the reception. We had lemonade and cookies directly following the ceremony at the ceremony site, and then the reception started about an hour later at a different location.

  2. avatar Britt reply

    We had a church shower at my husband’s parent’s church close to the wedding- it is a small, tight-knit church family. We had already sent invitations out and everything, so it was already known that most of the people in the church were not invited to the wedding ceremony or reception. That group of families loves supporting each other, though, so they really wanted to have a shower and give gifts even knowing they weren’t invited to the ceremony or reception. We had a good ol’ fashioned church potluck with lots of visiting and well-wishing followed by lots of fun opening gifts with lots of “oohs” and “aahs” it was so much fun, laid back, and there was never any expectation or pressure of any sort from anyone to be invited. Everyone just wanted to celebrate with us! So I guess it depends on your group!

    • avatar Emily reply

      Agreed, Britt! I think this is probably how most church groups feel!

  3. avatar Dianna reply

    My fiance and are counting down the days 18 to go, and we’ve just finished up ALLLLLL the showers. Both of the churches we grew up in insisted on have a shower for us. We were even very open to let them know that our wedding was strictly immediate family only. It was still a must though. It’s just their way of showing their love and excitement for someone they’ve watched grow up. It was just announced the Sunday before and we did a drop-in for each church with cake and punch. It was a nice way for people to be able to talk to you outside of the Sunday handshaking after church. We enjoyed them and looking back I’m glad we allowed them to shower us, not only with gifts, but love.

  4. avatar Janna reply

    There were people who had watched my husband grow up in our small church and has insisted on throwing us a church shower- we also worked with the youth in our church and all of them were excited to see us married but adding an additional 30 teenagers to our guest list wasn’t very feasible, and financially and personally we both really wanted a smaller wedding and reception. We ended up agreeing on doing a cake and punch reception at the life center of our church. Our dinner reception started about an hour later at a different location. It worked wonderfully for us and allowed us to be able to include many people who wanted to be there to celebrate with us and still allowed us to have the smaller more intimate reception like we wanted as well.

  5. avatar Kristen reply

    My MOH had this same dilemma. Her father is the pastor of their baptist church in NC, and the congregation knew Emily since she was four months old. However, her reception venue capped at 150 (which is really a blessing in disguise!). So, they opted to have a pre-wedding cake and punch reception the week before the wedding at the church for everyone who wanted to wish the couple well. Then, they sent out the traditional ceremony invitations to everyone, and the “reception immediately after” cards were included with only the guests invited to the reception the evening of the wedding. So the church was packed with guests, the reception had a controlled amount of people, and the folks were able to greet the couple properly. A triple win!

    Needless to say, she did have a church ladies shower as well, and those women were pleased as punch to host it for her.

    Don’t let anyone strong-arm you into a mega-reception if you don’t want one!

  6. avatar Maggie reply

    I am 65 and going to a 5:30 wedding in February. Any attire suggestions? I would really rather wear dressy crepe pants with something, but what, and is that appropriate.

    THANKS1

  7. avatar Claudia Cables reply

    I’m the MOB and I just found out the MOG already purchase the gown she is going to wear for my daughter’s wedding, without consulting me about style, color etc. How should I handled this situation?

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