It’s not only the season for weddings, but for bridal showers, too, which makes today’s Southern Etiquette question particularly relevant.
Grace wrote:
“To frame my main question, I should first provide some backstory. A friend of mine recently got engaged very unexpectedly, after only knowing her now-fiance for a few months. They sent out their save the dates in early April for a Labor Day weekend wedding. Mid-May comes, and I receive a mass text message informing me that they will instead be doing a family-only beach ceremony in July, due to cost and her father’s unexpected unemployment a year prior. Supposedly there were plans in the works to mail out some sort of an update on the family-only decision, but nothing has been mailed yet.
No big deal, but then the buzz starts to circulate that “family only” also includes a few friends from college and sorority.
This past weekend, I opened the mailbox to find an invitation to a bridal shower for her, about two weeks before the “family-only” beach wedding in July. My question to you is whether it’s appropriate (or best Southern etiquette practice) to invite people to a shower for a wedding they are not invited to attend. Essentially, opting for a smaller, cost-effective wedding says, “I can’t afford/choose not to pay for you to be a guest at our wedding,” and my understanding of wedding etiquette is that if someone is not a wedding guest, they should not be a shower invitee also. I, along with a few others, feel that it’s sending a message of “I’m not inviting you to my wedding, but please shower me anyway.”
I have gone back and forth with whether or not I should/want to attend her upcoming shower, and I really am stuck. As a friend and former wedding/potential shower guest, I find it hurtful to have learned that non-family guests have been invited to their “family-only” wedding, and I do not feel that inviting non-guests to a shower is a best bride practice.
Am I being petty? Would you go? Deep down, I do want happiness and love for her marriage, but I feel that making the decision to have a cost-effective, exclusive wedding comes with the understanding that most likely there will not be the traditional string of showers given.”
A happy couple, shot by Phindy Studios :)
GREAT question, Grace! Often in etiquette I feel like there’s some gray area, but in this case, I came down firmly on one side — and I’m guessing most of our readers will, too. To confirm my suspicions, I checked with Emily Post:
“Who is invited to a shower? Normally, anyone invited to a shower should be invited to the wedding. The one exception is a workplace shower to which a large number of coworkers contribute. Showers are intimate gatherings for people you know very well– not excuses to haul in more gifts.”
If you are not invited to the wedding, you should not be invited to the shower. If the bride is having an intimate wedding, she should have an intimate shower — or none at all. That might sound harsh, but in my opinion, it’s the only way to do things in good taste. If kind friends or relatives would like to give a gift when they hear the good news, regardless of their invitation status, that is their prerogative and certainly fine.
Now in Grace’s case, since the bride has already issued the invitation for the shower, it is now up to Grace and the other non-wedding guests whether they choose to a) attend or b) bring or send a gift.
Grace specifically asked what I would do, so here you go: If the shower were local, I would attend and bring a lovely, handwritten card expressing my best wishes for the couple. I would not bring a gift. If the shower were not local, I would not attend, but would still send a handwritten card.
Readers, I would love to hear your thoughts! Would YOU attend? Would you bring a gift? Am I being too black-and-white, or is this an issue where there is clearly an etiquette precedent for a reason? Let me know what you think!
As always, if you would like to submit your own etiquette query, just shoot me an email!
If you liked this post, you might want to check out past etiquette columns:
Bridesmaid Responsibilities
Tuxedos with Navy Dresses?
Who Gets a Save the Date?
I totally agree with the Emily’s opinion. I actually find it quite tacky to invite someone to the shower, but not the wedding. If they want to include other guests, but can’t afford to have a larger wedding, maybe a small gathering at the bride and groom’s home after the wedding to celebrate with friends.
I recently got married and had a smaller wedding, though it was hard to not invite everyone, I feel most people understand, especially knowing the high costs of weddings.
This is wonderful advice! I can’t agree with you more. I believe there is a lot of confusion from gift-hungry brides regarding showers, parties, expectations, and especially thank you notes. Why aren’t they sent anymore? Do you have any helpful tips about how long is too long or too soon to wait to send a thoughtful thank you note?
Hi Bride-to-be! I know! It’s actually rather astonishing to me when I DON’T receive a handwritten thank you note. Standard etiquette says your thank you notes should be written and sent within three months of receiving each gift. I don’t think there is such a thing as too soon — sending a note out on the day you receive the gift might be the easiest system you can devise to make sure your notes go out in an orderly, timely manner! As a goal, I’d work on sending 3-4 notes a day, and you should be done in no time!
I wish my fiance’s cousin would read this! I was brought up that a handwritten thank you note is a must, but I guess not every Southern girl is. We’ve now given her and her husband a very nice wedding gift and a baby shower present and never received at thank you note for either! It makes the fun of giving a present seem unappreciated!
Emily: I 100% agree with handwritten thank you notes. The last two weddings that I’ve attended (and purchased gifts for, crystal candlesticks for one couple that I’ve seen used in family dinner pictures and every single glass and piece of stemware registered for for the other couple) I didn’t get a thank you card at all much less a lovely handwritten one. Sadly, there seems to be an increasing lack of tact and etiquette at weddings these days. A card brought to Grace’s friend’s shower is completely appropriate and is a thoughtful gesture in response to an unthoughtful invitation.
I concur that it’s both or none. If the “friend” felt that she were close to you, she would have invited you to the wedding. Send a card.
If I wasn’t invited to a wedding but was to a reception (think destination wedding, elopement or intimate ceremony followed by a party) then I would have no problem with attending a shower for the bride. To be completely excluded from sharing in wedding day festivities to me means the bride should be excluded from asking for gifts from those guests. I can’t believe no one hosting the shower realized the breach in etiquette here. I have to wonder if they know or just don’t care.
Hi Julie! I definitely agree — if there are no wedding day festivities to be invited to/excluded from, or if you WERE invited to the only part that there was to be invited to, then that’s an entirely different question. Good point!
Emily: We did the no gift party recently. I’ve lived in several states and have many friends through this adventure. My mom’s best friend, from my high school state of Arizona, wanted to throw a shower so badly. Unfortunately, I can’t invite them all to the wedding. The hostess agreed to add ‘no gifts’ to the invite and I felt much better. She turned it into a ‘Meet and Greet’ party which was lovely!! Now, my out of state friends don’t have to purchase flights, and we have about 50 less in our wedding headcount. I think everyone is happy. Granted, we didn’t come home with sacks of presents… but that wasn’t our goal. Just wanted to enjoy our friends.
Great question and answer! I do think some grace could be shown here–perhaps the bride didn’t make the shower guest-list, a friend did it? I was in a wedding where the bride was very non-communicative about who she wanted/didn’t want at certain events and so I erred on the side of inclusion…and probably ended up inviting people to her shower who weren’t invited to the wedding. So, that’s just something to consider, but in your situation, I would absolutely have hurt feelings, too! The best thing you can do is just rise above it and be the most gracious person you can be–thereby showing her what TRUE grace and manners are!
Hi Sara! I COMPLETELY agree. No matter how awful you might think the other person is acting, the correct response is never to act awful in return. You’re also right about the guest list mix-up, which is a lesson for brides everywhere — if at all possible, make sure your kind hosts have an accurate list to work off of!
I agree with Emily. Since you weren’t invited to the wedding (scratch that, uninvited!? via text?!), I wouldn’t bring a gift. When I was engaged, we had the opposite problem, actually. My now husband’s hometown church offered to host a shower well after we had booked our venues (and they do this for any couple from the church, and his mother insisted that we accept the shower, but was this something I should have considered in the very first place?? I didn’t.) It really put me in an awkward situation, though. We actually ended up feeling the need to extend an open invitation to the entire church (80 families) for the ceremony only, but we didn’t have room in our reception for everyone, so we had to communicate it to them. It ended up causing a bit of stress (because how do you get an RSVP from a bulletin announcement!?…and how many folks are really going to travel an hour for just the wedding ceremony?!…and is there even room in the chapel?!…and how tacky does this make us look!?), but it worked out in the end. We ended up having to do a receiving line to make sure we greeted everyone after the ceremony, but it was good. I was overwhelmed with their support and we didn’t have any backlash (that I know of) from the ceremony only invitation. I think that most of them now kind of understand that weddings are a bit different now than an open punch bowl reception in the fellowship hall (not that there’s anything wrong with that, it just wasn’t our preference).
I am actually have the same problem but from the opposite angle. I grew up here in VA and people who knew my parents and siblings have offered to throw me showers with the assumption that they are invited to the wedding. I find it so hard to graciously turn them down knowing that they love us and just want to help. They keep calling my mother and asking her to send them a shower guest list! Showers can be tricky. I say send a card, the bride won’t mind she is probably embarrassed by the save the date debacle.
Hi Adrienne! You’re right, that is definitely a very real problem! If they are very persistent and really just want to celebrate with you, maybe let them throw you a small party that specifically is geared towards (and specifies) no presents. For example, maybe they could throw you a recipe get-together, and everyone brings their favorite recipe. Ladies, what do you think? Is that still awkward, if the guests won’t be invited to the wedding?
I’m with all of you.. terribly tacky on her part. The whole thing is very unpleasant. However! I would either send a card or bring a gift if you feel you must attend. I think it would be equally uncomfortable for the bride to open each gift and thank the giver and then come to your card. I think if you attend, you need to bring a gift. If you don’t want to purchase a gift, don’t attend.
I agree with what everyone is saying, but I also see how easy it could be to become passive-aggressive. Sure, there was a slip-up when it comes to etiquette, but perhaps talking with the person over the phone or in person before just showing up without a present or missing out on fun time to celebrate by sending a card might help solve the issue. Instead of speculating why you were sent an invite to the shower, maybe you can hear the whole story about how her mom took over and invited everyone or that she was just expecting company, not gifts anyways.
Hi Carmen! Definitely a good idea! Open channels of communication are never a bad thing.
With today’s more casual approach to life and with financial reversals becoming the norm rather than the exception I think it boils down to, “do you want to celebrate with this girl? Do you like/love her? Are you happy for her?” If you do and are, go to the shower, participate, have fun, make it fun for others, take a gift and wish her every happiness. If she was some one I cared about I would go to the church service too to add my prayer to others for a blessed marriage for them. I think it is about the marriage not etiquette or hurt feelings. That’s just my view.
I am a Bride that is stuck in this predicament. Our families are so large that we are keeping our wedding to close friends and family (aunts/uncles, 1st cousins). This totals to be 150 people and We are not going in debt just because we feel we have to invite people. (easily a 300 to 400 person wedding)
I struggled with the Bridal Showers and who to invite. After talking it over with my Mom and future Mother in law, they said that people will want to celebrate Eric and I (I agree with Gail above). However, we did have two big Engagement Parties with the friends who are not invited, so this made me feel better about inviting them to the showers.
Everyone has been great and understanding. I am in my 30’s so it is easier for people to understand. They all have planned weddings before. I also plan on sending everyone a link to my wedding day pictures, so they can see our special day.
Lisa, Here is my situation as a “not invited to the wedding” guest. My son got married in May and his cousin (who he grew up very close to – both in their early 30’s now) is getting married next month. My nephew grew up in our neighborhood, etc. invited us and our adult daughter to a shower recently. The guest list for a cookout and shower was over 75 invitations (not people) and it listed where they were registered for gifts. We went to the shower, took very nice gifts which they did not open at the party. The party guests who actually attended were mostly family members (10), a few neighbors and parents of the host/hostesses (8 people), and other guests (4) = 25 guests max.
We (aunt & uncle as well as adult cousin) have not received wedding invitations (though we received prompt handwritten thank you notes). My son, who is in the wedding, has received his invite to the wedding so they have been mailed out. There are 9 bridesmaids, 9 groomsmen, & 2 flower girls in a backyard wedding. This is the groom’s first marriage and the bride’s second marriage.
So, I guess they wanted gifts but didn’t plan to invite us to the wedding. My daughter is bugging me to call the groom or his parents on it but I am reluctant for either of us to do that. BTW, the nephew was in my son’s wedding, invited him, his fiance, his parents and his sister to a very nice rehearsal dinner and wedding… So, did 2 invitations get lost, or do we just chalk it up to they wanted a gift but no invite to the wedding?
Additionally, money doesn’t appear to be an issue with the couple as the stamps on the thank you notes had pictures of the bride & groom. Also, they have 2 websites with info about the wedding, wedding party, photos, private getaway vacations, etc.
Thoughts on this situation would be appreciated!
[…] links for ya…What to wear to a bridal shower from The Sweetest OccasionDIY cake pops + recipe Who is invited to a bridal shower from Southern WeddingsA free bridal shower invitation printableBridal shower etiquette from Martha […]
Is it proper to invite friends and family members to a bridal shower if they live too far to attend. They will be coming to the wedding at a later time.
I am having a small bridal shower for a niece who is paying for her own wedding and lives 8 hours away. There are close friends and family members of which my mom has attended all bridal showers and weddings happily giving gifts at both events. In many of these sister, brother, friend events she has done it for all 3 children in her brother & sister’s families. Are we able to ask her close friends, sister and sister in laws if they would like to attend the shower of her first grandchild even tho not invited to the wedding which is 10 hours away and they are all in there late 70’s and 80’s.
I was not invited to my niece”s baby shower. Do I still have to give her a gift?
Hi Lisa! I would say you’re under no obligation to, but it would of course still be a lovely gesture :)
A couple is having a civil ceremony wedding in October 2013 inviting immediate family only for the ceremony and dinner following. They are having a large reception in spring 2014 inviting all family and friends and will repeat their vows. Since the small civil ceremony is immediate family (very small) should the bridal shower be before the civil ceremony or before the large reception in the spring time? .
Lauren: I would say before the large reception, as that will represent the “wedding” for most people!
My Daughter and fiancee live in California. The wedding will be held in her home town, Buffalo, NY due to my husband’s numerous illnesses. The parents of the bride and groom, aunts and uncles of the bride and groom, groom’s two brothers, one sister-in-law, and one sister, my Daughter’s Matron of Honor and the husband of the Matron of Honor will be invited to the small wedding ceremony and reception. This is my problem – my best girl friend of 44 years wants to throw my Daughter a Bridal Shower in Buffalo, NY. Do the cousins and cousins children get invited to the Bridal Shower in Buffalo? The cousins and cousins grown children will not be invited to the ceremony and reception. The groom’s Mother and Aunt are having a small Bridal Shower in California. If I tell my friend to go ahead and plan the Bridal Shower, who should be invited? Should it only be me and the two aunts that live in Buffalo? My friend who is also thinking about inviting her sister and sister-in-law who will not be invited to the wedding. Please help me. I am in my mid-sixties and only have one child, my Daughter. I do not know what to do.
I recently (a few weeks ago) attended a bridal shower for a friend of mine. It was an intimate gathering… a total of 13 of us there, including the bride to be and her mom. I brought a lovely gift and had a nice time. As the shower was ending, two of my friends approached me and and started a discussion as to whether they were bringing their spouses to the wedding or not. They asked me if I was bringing mine, saying that they had both RSVP’d that they were bringing theirs, but had heard that most of the friends were not (and didn’t want their husband to feel awkward if he were the only one there). I was unsure how to respond since I hadn’t received an invitation to the wedding and was under the impression that we were doing a very early shower and that the invites hadn’t been sent out. I simply said that yes, I would be bringing my husband, thinking in the back of my head that perhaps I just hadn’t seen the invitation yet and maybe they had just recently received theirs and sent in their responses. Well… the wedding is next week and I did not receive an invitation. I cannot tell you how uncomfortable this makes me. I felt certain that this was a breach of etiquette and came looking to see if something changed and if I was out of the loop. I was glad to find this post. Brides-to-be, please do not do this to your friends. I would have been much happier if I had not been invited to either the wedding or the shower. My feelings are definitely hurt. Not that I will ever say anything about it. I’m glad I have a little outlet here. :-)
I should mention, both the shower and wedding are local :-) And the wedding is not a tiny one.
Rebecca, you have my sympathy.
Something similar happened to me — I was invited to and attended a bridal shower and assumed that meant I would also be invited to the wedding. I didn’t reallize I wasn’t invited to the wedding until it was simply too late for wedding invitations to be sent. This really hurt my feelings. Hostesses, be kind to shower guests and don’t do this to them!
I have read everyone’s comments on here, and appreciate all the advice. I am still wondering about a few things though. About a year ago my fiancé and I moved to a new town. I started working at a great restaurant in the area and the people have been fantastic and great to me. We are getting married in a city we lived in a few years back, which is about five hours from where we live now. Although the wedding is about 150 people, I am only inviting a few people I am close with in the town we live in now. With that being said, a girl I am inviting wants to throw me a shower and invite everyone from my work and friends I have met here over the past year. Most of these people will not be invited to the wedding. I graciously told her a shower was not necessary, but she keeps insisting. I do not want to hurt people’s feelings by them coming to a shower and not the wedding. Is there a way to convey this to guests before the shower? I am very confused. I do not want to hurt the hosts feelings and I do not want to hurt guests coming to the shower and not the wedding. All advice is good advice. I am super-sensitive about this subject. I want to celebrate with everyone.
No, I do NOT think you are being too black-&-white. I was sent a nice invitation to my nieces bridal shower in July. I was happy to attend, & give her VERY nice gifts! I NEVER received a wedding invitation! The wedding was in Sept., & the day before, she sent me a message on FB, explaining that I wasn’t invited because she could only invite 50 guests. I was hurt & a bit angry! I wondered how many ‘friends’ she chose to invite over me!!…PS…I was in the delivery room the day she was born!
I was in a similar situation many years ago, I was invited to a bridal shower for a co-worker’s daughter, whom I knew well and was good friends with her mother. However, I wasn’t invited to the wedding. When I responded “no” to the shower, her mother got very upset and said I expect you to be there. She said she really wanted me at the shower but quite frankly couldn’t afford to have me attend the wedding. Of course I was not happy with her comment but understood her situation, but she did have a big wedding so her excuse of not being able to afford to have me there did not sit well with me. Since I liked her daughter and the shower was local, I attended and I bought her a beautiful gift.
After her wedding, I sent her a congratulations card, but no additional gift. Her mother then said to me, my daughter received your card but it was empty. I replied, the card was missing? and she said no, there was no check. I replied, I didn’t send a check, I only wanted to congratulate her on her wedding. She wasn’t happy, but that was the truth. I don’t believe that an additional gift was necessary.
I admit I felt slighted by this but our friendship remained in tact, even now 20 years later.
I am sorry, but I disagree, it’s the Bride’s time and if I know her (a friend’s daughter, cousin, etc) I am going to the shower. I understand if they have a small wedding for family only, wedding can get out of hand quickly. But it’s my way of being happy for her and showing her that I love her and want to be a small part of her future. I don’t need a piece of cake to reassure myself that I am close to this person or I am included in her life. Etiquette does not apply to everything and certainly not to my friends’ feelings of my disregard for their children and family. Being childish over an invite to a shower and not a wedding because they could not afford it or just wanted to keep it a small affair it the height of rudeness. It’s a heart thing, not a party thing.